Dear Carolyn: Im getting married. Thats awesome. However, my parents want me to ask my brother to be my best man. The idea of letting my brother, whos spent his whole life being the biggest jerk he can manage, stand up and give a speech about me makes me want to break something.
He outed me as gay in high school; Im bi, but that was hard to explain to an idiot who wanted to beat me up in the toilets. He told everyone I was the reason he was in a wheelchair because I pushed him downstairs once (it was not). Mum convinced me to put hand controls in my car so he could learn to drive, and he crashed the car on purpose after a fight with me.
I get that part of it is a habit of putting me down to prop himself up the sort of school where dudes beat you up because youre gay isnt a great place to be in a chair. However, hes also a jerk and a bit of a bully.
Obviously, I could just say no, but my parents are really invested in the idea of his having this opportunity. I think it is because he doesnt have many friends; as I mentioned, hes a jerk. They say they wont come if I am so ashamed of my brother. (I am, but only because hes going to say something terrible.)
I want to cancel everything and just elope. My fiancee thinks my parents will eventually come around. They, I assume, think the same about me and I just want to make a point. If my brother needs a kidney one day, he can have it, but Ill never be close to him. Any ideas? Worst Man
Answer: Say no to the brother as best man, let your parents have their fit if thats how they choose to handle your showy display of mental health, and please please consider talking to a good family therapist about your family. Because, wow. And if I just answered the plot of a movie that everyone has seen except me, then please treat me gently. Thanks.
Dear Carolyn: I set up time to hang out with my 14-year-old niece, who is very sweet and also has been getting in trouble — skipping school, lying to family, etc. She reminds me so much of myself at her age. I figure I can relate to her in that regard and try to share what I know now that Im decades older.
Since this hangout is coming up soon, any tips on how to make it comfortable for her to open up to me, or how to start getting through to her about the path shes on? Is talking/listening to her how I would have wanted someone to talk/listen to me at that age a good enough approach? Heart-to-Heart
Answer: Worth a try, certainly. But with strong caveats: She is not you, no matter how strong the resemblance; and your knowing now what you needed to hear then doesnt mean you would have listened then.
Err on the side of listening. That way she can tell you, in her own way, what approach shed welcome right now.
