Gift of surrogacy doesn’t have to include baby shower

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are expecting a baby via gestational carrier. The surrogate is my husband’s cousin, who has kids of her own and very generously offered to help us when we learned it would be life-threatening for me to get pregnant.

My friends are throwing me a baby shower next weekend. It’s one of few “normal” things I get to do as an expectant mom, even though it’s technically a modification of a regular baby shower. (For one thing, there will be cocktails and I’ll get to enjoy them.) The hosts asked me if I would like to invite the surrogate, who lives nearby and would almost definitely come. They suggested they could do something special to include her.

I owe them an email and I am gripped with a sick, guilty feeling. I don’t want her there. I feel as though having her there will just throw a spotlight on the fact that she gets to carry my baby and I don’t. I am already faced with reminders of this daily, and I didn’t want there to be more of them at this shower.