Dear Carolyn: I am struggling to balance my husbands relationship with my family. My family adores him and wants to spend time with him. He acts fine with them, but is grumpy and angry with me.
My husband is an introvert. I respect his needs and only ask him to attend a few family events a year. I also limit family visits to my house.
But this weekend, he told me that if it was up to him, he would never see my family again. He said he was willing to spend time with them because he loves me, but it makes him miserable and so he may be upset.
I do not know what to do. Dealing with him before family events often ruins the event for me. I love him and understand all marriages involve compromise, but I cannot agree never to invite my parents to my house ever again. I cannot accept that. What should I do?- Torn
Answer: I am struggling to understand your husband. Introversion alone does not explain such a wholesale rejection when (apparently) he himself is accepted.
His sour moods and upsets are such strong deterrents to his seeing your family, theyre a de facto refusal to see them and such refusals are outliers even with spouses whose in-laws torment them (and who arguably should opt out).
Plus, his acting out emotionally is just juvenile and not OK.
I mention these knowing I cant pry anything out of him from here, or make him a magical deal-with-it smoothie because I also cant leave the gaps in his story unacknowledged when he has the leading role.
Even with these key questions about him unanswered, though, there is something you can do unilaterally on your behalf, and possibly on his:
Your struggle is to balance, so stop balancing. Stop trying to manage your husbands interactions with your family, or his emotions, or your familys desire to see him. Altogether. Hereafter you are not an agent or interpreter or diplomat for anyone with anyone else.
Instead, represent only you. See your family as you wish. Plan to visit them, plan to host them, keep in touch.
Keep your husband informed and respectfully empowered, and thats it: Unless you know of a schedule conflict, Im going to see [family] next [date]. I plan to invite [family] here. Any objections to [date]? You can join us or make other plans for that day, up to you. Agree on a visit frequency up front to pre-empt arguments.
It may seem awkward, but thats just because youre in marriage mode, where you expect to be one extended family. My suggestion is roommate mode, where you do your family thing, he does his, and you kindly accommodate each other on shared time and space.
Likewise, you do not serve as spokes-spouse for your absentee husband, except to present facts. He wont be joining us. (Why? they will ask.) He asked not to be included in these gatherings. Then, you speak only for you: Its not what I prefer, but I chose to honor his request because the alternative was to drag him here.
If youre not ready to explain further, then say so, say youre OK, his introversion is the short answer, and thanks for their concern.
This may break nicely into a new normal. Who knows?
