Tell Me About It
Dear Carolyn: My mother turns 90 this month. She said she wanted a party to celebrate the milestone. My three siblings are fine with carrying out her plan by helping with the invitations, finding a caterer, music, etc. Im planning a surprise presentation for her to honor her artistry. We never discussed who would pay for all this but we all mentioned in passing, who will pay for all this?
My mother just announced she wanted to divide the cost between us four children. As much as I love my mother, I got a little miffed (OK … a lot miffed) that I was being volun-told Im paying for a quarter of the party. We all expected we would help cover the costs but not to this extent. I can barely afford the only vacations Ive got planned this year, a total of two weekends! She can afford it: She just got a rather large inheritance and after years of saving and struggling shes now financially secure. Please help! Daughter No. 3
Answer: Confer with the other siblings, decide what you can pay toward the party, make that total your budget, then scale down your plans accordingly.
Then tell your mother what this Plan B is. The four of you together, as a united front.
And apologize to her, too, for not determining at the very start who would pay for what. It was a big mistake and it bit you all, your mother included.
If she doesnt like your Plan B, then she can volunteer her own funds for the upgrades she cares about.
That is, assuming youre not already too far along to make changes dramatic enough to save you real money. If thats the case, then the four of you need to go to your mother again, as a united front to explain that you mistakenly assumed you were all just the planners and she was paying the tab, and you would have had to stick to a limited budget and make very different decisions on food, music and guests to stay within it. Then say youll gladly pay what youre able to but it wont be all of it. Then try to salvage all the goodwill you can the old-fashioned way, by apologizing once, kindly holding your line and waiting it out.
That, or the four of you eat the expense. Im sorry.
Dear Carolyn: I say sorry a lot. Usually, Im not taking blame for something Ive done; instead, Im expressing sympathy or concern sorry as shorthand for Im sorry you had a headache all day at work or Im sorry traffic was so bad. My kids say I shouldnt say sorry so much because it sounds like Im taking blame for something clearly not my fault.
Do you have a better suggestion to express sympathy in such instances? Too bad sounds flip and That sucks is usually too crude.
So obviously I dont agree with your kids 100 percent that its not a good thing to do. I trust people to recognize the difference between Im sorry [I spilled coffee all over you] and Im sorry [I said such a thoughtless thing] and Im sorry [you had such a bad day]. Context can make the lines of responsibility clear enough for just about anyone to see.
Your kids have way more of your story than I do, though, and theyre also probably and rightly being taught there can be larger power implications to subtle language choices, so Ill give them the benefit of the doubt that your sorries have become a habit worth breaking.
The easiest way to break it is to skip the shorthand and say what you mean: Im sorry traffic was so bad for you. Im sorry you felt sick all day. When thats too clunky most of the time, I imagine make your shorthand a little less short but a whole lot more accurate: Oh, Im sorry to hear that.
