Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend is the smartest, most cultured man Ive ever known. One of his great abilities is his appreciation for nuance. I love how, when we are out at museums, he can infer things that I cant and capture his observations in a subtle and clear way.
He comes from great education: top private school, multiple Ivy League degrees, and success along the way. But my family came from nearly nothing and, to put it diplomatically, is wary of those who come from elite backgrounds and who speak like it.
When my boyfriend meets my parents, is it OK to ask him to tone down his vocabulary when speaking with them? It would be better if he used secret instead of surreptitious or talkative instead of loquacious. Hell use idioms, from in point of fact to a hale fellow well met. He does it both because its the way he was raised but also because he believes that a literary phrase better describes what hes thinking. Its not pompous, its subtle and nuanced.
Still, Im afraid my parents will be distrustful of him when they realize his highbrow east-coast roots. He has no intention of putting them down, and hes eager to meet them. He is as egalitarian as they come.
If I ask him to speak plainly and without complicated vocabulary when hes with my parents, is that a strike against his own identity? I somehow feel, in this case, that I have to do it or my parents wont ever accept him. Whose identity should take preference here when they cant both coexist? C.
Coaching people to be who they arent just doesnt work. Not for long.
Besides, if your parents arent too biased and narrow-minded to see a good person through big words, then things will turn out OK.
And if your boyfriend isnt too pompous and self-absorbed to find ways to communicate with your parents, then things will turn out OK.
If your parents prove narrow-minded, though, and/or your boyfriend is self-absorbed, then there wont be much you could have done to make things turn out OK.
So if you find their two identities genuinely and demonstrably cant coexist in peace, then align yourself with the identity that isnt being obnoxious.
Please also note: Whenever you start to behave as a director in charge of a scene instead of letting people figure each other out, the judgment you dont trust is your own.
Thats where your coaching impulses can do you some good: Admit to yourself youre afraid of the one thing that will work here, which is to let them all meet and figure things out for themselves.
Caring so much about the outcome means it will feel suspenseful and awkward for you at times to say nothing, and youll be tempted to jump in and sell each of them on the others many strengths, but do resist. You cant make them like each other.
You also cant get any better emotional intel than when you leave people to their own devices:
Either you chose yourself a good man hale fellow well met apologies to those attempting breakfast or you didnt.
Either your parents are reliable judges of character, or they arent.
