Dear Carolyn: I recently broke up with my girlfriend, who had been saying repeatedly of our relationship, This isnt working. She was referring to things like we dont live close enough to each other to make getting together quick and easy, and that our financial and career situations are in very different places right now. When I broke up with her I thought she would basically agree it was the right thing to do, given her repeated complaints.
Instead, she cried, screamed, and then told me, This isnt working, was supposed to mean, Just dating isnt working so you should propose.
Im kind of flabbergasted. Does the fact that I didnt pick up on what she was saying mean I have problems with reading people? Or does it mean she has problems with communicating, which is all the more reason I was right to break up? This Isnt Working
Answer: It means you both have problems with communicating.
She didnt say what she actually meant, and you didnt ask her to explain what she meant, or ask what solutions she had in mind for the isnt working stuff like commutes and finances. And/or you didnt say, Im confused, I think its working great I really love being with you.
Now, you might be thinking, you asked and she answered and so you did your part. But if all this time she was really trying to hint-nudge you toward a proposal, then presumably the emotional/physical connection was at least somewhat good, yes? And so there was some kind of a gap between that emotional/physical connection and the verbal message of, This isnt working. Good communication on both sides is what turns a confusing message into a coherent one.
Not for nothing, but I dont get any sense from your letter that you actually love[d] her. If youre looking for all the more reason I was right to break up with her, then heres one: If you dont feel like a piece of you has been removed with this breakup, then shes not the one you want to marry.
Revisit as appropriate if both of you learn how to talk.
