Dear Carolyn: I drive my son to school, but beforehand, we drop his sister at their dads, where she catches the bus.
We were running late one day, and my son did not want to take the time to go in, hug his dad, and say good morning to him. He felt stressed about getting to school on time. However, he forced himself to go in and do it, because otherwise, his dad gets upset.
Sounds perfectly innocent, right? A good son.
But, in general, their dad tends to prioritize his own needs above all else even if those needs are that he gets a little visit with a hug and hello when a child is trying not to be late to school. How do I teach my children that their needs are important as well, even if their dads needs are not being met?
I can only imagine the roasting Ill be getting in the comments section; however, this controlling trait does tend to extend to other aspects of his life with the kids. How to Deal With Controlling People
Youll get roasted for what raising a question with valid implication for your childs long-term emotional health?
The first thing I hope you do, soon and without flinching, is to explain to your son that its not his job to keep other people from getting upset. Not his father, not you, not his teachers, not his friends. Each of us is responsible for our own feelings, and our own choices. His job everyones job is to know the rules and expectations, to know the consequences of meeting them versus not meeting them, and to make choices accordingly.
So, to apply it to your situation: Its not your sons job to manage his fathers feelings. Your sons job is to know what his fathers preferences and expectations are; to know the consequences of meeting them (possibly being late) versus not meeting them (upsetting his dad); and to make his choice accordingly.
This process of awareness and decision-making will make your son the driver of his own life, versus his dads puppet, even if he decides to risk being late by going inside to hug his dad. This is how you equip him to know his own mind and own his own choices, which is how you equip him to deal with people, period not just the controlling or difficult ones, though it is with them that healthy practices are the most handy.
If youre wobbly on this stuff yourself, then good counseling could shore you up. Its also covered concisely in Lifeskills for Adult Children by Woititz/Garner.