Dear Carolyn: How do I learn not to be resentful when someone continually puts me in a bad spot?
My mothers life philosophy is, Im going to do what I want, when I want. Thats the only way to live life. She has no regard for consequences or the position she puts others in. She was unstable when I was a kid because of this. We were often homeless or crashing with her friends.
Now that Im in my 30s, it bothers me in new ways. She spends ALL her money and then doesnt have enough for medication, food, living. Im afraid shes going to have to live with me. She has a medical condition, but eats exactly what she shouldnt eat and then ends up in the emergency room. I have to go take care of it. I cant just keep taking off work!
I have no sympathy anymore. I know that sounds harsh, but 90% of her plights are of her own doing. Yet she has no one else.
Ive cut down what I do for her to the minimum, to make sure her needs are met. But Im still so resentful she does this to me! She thinks shes just living her life while I think we should all try our hardest to not be burdens on others. Resentful
Dear Resentful: Oh my.
Deciding Im going to do what I want when it exposes ones children to homelessness is not a philosophy; its neglect and/or abuse.
And feeling responsible for your mother when she was/is so careless with you? That, again, isnt about philosophy or workday logistics. Thats the enduring emotional legacy of her neglect.
Please stop carrying this all by yourself. Get help from a good therapist trained to navigate complex family systems.
Ask yourself, too: What would she have to do if you lived overseas/had your own crisis/hadnt been born? The fallacy of indispensability snares a lot of us, not just the ones with tough parental legacies like yours.
See it for what it is and release it.
Im not saying to cut Mom off though you may decide to eventually, after weighing your options but instead to see that anything you feel forced to do is fertile soil for resentment.
You do have choices, your mom isnt forcing you, and no one is a burden whom you dont allow to be so.
Shes presenting you with unappealing choices, yes but theyre still choices. Please start making them from a position of action versus reaction, with or without the professional help.
To: Resentful: Please do try to get some actual physical distance from her so she cant guilt trip you into behaving as she wants.
My father was like this, so I moved out at 17 and never lived within 1,000 miles of him after that. It really helps. I can still do some things from afar, but Im not on the same emotional cycle as my sibling.
And the more weve cut him off, the more hes figured things out on his own.
The consequences of his self-sabotage are not my fault, and, quite frankly, I could never save him from himself. Save yourself. Boundaries are really a matter of survival. Anonymous
