Dear Carolyn: Im not even sure how to start this because I feel like a terrible person getting myself into this situation. I recently got engaged to a great guy kind, responsible, outstanding human being. Because we are both 40, we immediately tried for a child, and, joy and surprise, I immediately got pregnant.
Im overjoyed about the baby. However, despite the fact our relationship is going smoothly, Im not feeling any desire to actually .?.?. get married. In fact, Ive been waking up dreaming about a former boyfriend and wishing I were marrying him, and I am feeling painfully aware that although I definitely love my fiance, I dont love love love him the way I know Im capable of.
He, Im pretty sure, does love love love me. Im feeling trapped. Im missing laughter. Im feeling terrible. Im not sure how to proceed or even what questions to ask myself.
Whats best for the baby is probably to throw myself 110 percent into making this relationship as good as can be, but Im also scared well settle into a mediocre marriage, where hell sense that I feel trapped, and that might be worse than blowing up our lives now. How do I untangle this?
Not Sure I Want to Get Married
Not Sure I Want to Get Married: This may turn out to be only 10 percent useful, but Im going to suggest it for its potential to be 100 percent effective.
Be honest about not wanting to go ahead with the wedding. Dont blow up our lives, but instead just say youre feeling overwhelmed (since its true!) and stressed (since its true, thats what the dreams and inability to laugh are telling you) and what youd like most is to be free to give yourself over completely to your pregnancy, to sharing with him this overjoyed moment.
The 10 percent is that you will alleviate the pressure of impending nuptials youre not 100 percent behind. The (possible) 100 percent is that giving yourself room to breathe will (possibly) relax you, and a relaxed you will be open to the love you have for and from your fiance. He might not be the reason for your lack of intimate feelings, in other words, but instead the victim of it. At least buy yourself the time and space to find out.
By the way, regardless of how this all turns out: To do something in bad faith is terrible, and a terrible person is someone who routinely acts in bad faith. Its possible and normal and human and not the mark of a terrible person to act in good faith and still sometimes make a mistake.
