Dear Carolyn: My husband is overweight. Fine. I still find him attractive and have no issue with his weight if hes healthy.
My problem is with his attitude toward his weight. He doesnt like being heavy. Fine. He wants to lose weight. Fine. He says he needs to find ways to work out. Fine.
He says those ways NEED to include me or he wont be successful, that he wont do it. He needs someone to work out with or he wont feel inclined to do it. Can you see where this is going?
I am not overweight, though I could certainly be in better shape, so I have offered to join a gym with him. He doesnt like gyms; theyre too expensive. I offer to go on walks. His knee hurts. I suggest he go for a bike ride, but theres always some reason he cant. Ive tried to offer support and encouragement, but at some point he needs to take responsibility for his own weight loss.
He also has an eating issue. I dont monitor what he eats, hes a grown man, but I have noticed that food mysteriously goes missing overnight and I can only assume it has been consumed by my husband. Or we have an unseen houseguest taking care of our leftovers, snacks and cereal for us.
What can I do here? If he wants to lose weight, I support him 100 percent. If hes fine at his current weight, I support him 100 percent. Its clear, though, hes unhappy with his situation, but also doesnt want to do much about it. Im at a loss. Ive talked to him, but we end up talking in circles. It always gets put back on me, that he cant lose weight because I wont work out with him, so I dont engage when he talks about it anymore. What do I do? Talking in Circles
Talking in Circles: The short answer: boundaries. Your husband doesnt have good ones and he needs them.
Yours sound healthy, which means you probably already know theres not a lot you can do that you havent already tried. He is, as you said, a grown man, no matter how creative he gets in trying to shed his responsibility.
You can, of course, buy different foods when its your turn to shop. You can research fitness-support apps.
You can also walk and bike without him. Its good for you anyway, but also lays the groundwork for two possible futures: the one where he finally goes with you and the one where you get used to moving independently. Its tough stuff, but if his choices now limit his mobility later, then you may be forced to choose someday: couch-bound with him or out and active without him. Youll be glad for any foresight.
You can also encourage him to go to therapy. The boundaries alone are worth treatment with someone reputable, but the secret eating and the mismatch of words and deeds suggest this is pain-relief behavior. If so, then doesnt want to do much about it is unfair.
Its okay to tell him his weight doesnt worry you, his unhappiness and emotional paralysis do. Offer to make appointments. Then invite him on a walk and go regardless.
