Dear Carolyn: Im 32, married with a great wife and a 2-year-old son, and my life is pretty good except for my so-called father. He left me and my mom alone when I was just a baby and she struggled to raise me and make ends meet our whole lives. I think the hard life wore her out and was one reason she died of cancer at age 41.
My dad has been contacting me recently, apologizing for ghosting us and wanting to meet me and my family. I think he realizes he burned a lot of bridges and is facing a lonely old age. Its too little too late if you ask me, but my wife is encouraging me to give him a chance, pointing out that I really dont know his side of the story and dont have much other family.
What side of the story could explain away leaving a 17-year-old girl alone with a baby, never calling, never visiting, never a penny of child support?
I really just want him to stay away and reap what he sowed, but I wonder if someday Ill regret this missed opportunity. How do you decide if the risk is worth it? Too Little Too Late?
Dear Too Little: Theres no right way to handle a tough situation that magically fends off regrets. You are fully entitled to ignore your fathers entreaties and also entitled to listen to what he has to say. And to decide after you hear him out that you do want a relationship with him beyond this, or dont. You dont have to find him sympathetic, you dont have to introduce him to your children, you dont have to let him any further into your life than you choose to. You can still leave him to reap what he sowed, just with more information than you had before.
Simply meeting up with him may affect you, of course, even complicate things, in ways you didnt anticipate, so do take that into account.
But dont agree to anything just because your wife thinks you should. Hear her out, of course but also know that even people who love and want the best for you cant know how it feels to be you.
If youre so inclined, a session or two with a good family therapist could help you sort through this decision.
Dear Carolyn: My wife thinks Im direct to the point of rudeness when I ask nearby fellow audience members to shush up during a performance, movie, etc. (Excuse me, please stop talking.). She doesnt have an alternative script, however, and being less confrontational in general, would rather I try to bear it. Any suggestions on a middle ground? Shushing
Dear Shushing: The talkers are the rude ones, so I think excuse me and please are all the courtesy theyre due.
But in the interest of marital harmony, I suppose you can turn it into a question and add some anticipatory gratitude: Excuse me, would you please be quiet during the movie? Thank you.
Re: Shushing: The other option is to say, Excuse me, I cant hear.
Same end result, but you arent issuing orders, which is often easier for people to hear without being defensive. talley-sue-nyc