Dear Carolyn: Without consulting me, my husband committed himself, me and our infant to spending a week at the beach with his sister and her family next summer. The sister made plans and spent several hundred dollars preparing for this trip.
My husband only just got around to telling me, and as it turns out I cannot go I have unbreakable plans at the same time which means the baby also cannot go. My husband, therefore, does not want to go.
My question is, how to break this news to the sister in a way that doesnt totally throw my husband under the bus? I am tired of always looking like the bad guy this is the third or fourth time weve had a misunderstanding like this involving the sister and annoyed that I have to be the one to fix it. Mrs. Fix-It
Answer: Why are you the one fixing it?
Why isnt he calling his sister to say he screwed up and to offer money to make her whole?
That, to my mind, is everything.
If he refuses to talk to you about plans and refuses to clean up the messes he makes with this refusal, and you refuse to treat this as a bigger problem than this summer problem with his sister, then just tell his sister the truth: [Husband] didnt check with me before he agreed to this, and it turns out I have a conflict and cant go. The sunniest interpretation is that he threw himself under this bus, but I could also argue, since this is your third or fourth time fixing things, that your husbands the one throwing you.
Dear Carolyn: My daughter is getting married in a huge wedding, 300 guests. My son is autistic and attending this wedding is going to be a big deal, likely with at least one meltdown.
My daughter wants to hire a service to mind her brother during the wedding and wants a few test runs beforehand. My daughters fiances family is better off financially, and I know they can afford it. But it makes me uncomfortable, like she wants to hide her brother away for the day and pretend he doesnt exist because his behavior doesnt fit with a big, traditional wedding. My husband is not forthcoming with an opinion one way or another.
My daughter is really pinning me down for dates to introduce the caretakers to her brother and Im hedging. What do you think? - Uncomfortable
Answer: I think she has come up with a way to include her brother fully by meeting his needs. More important even by absorbing some of the stress so he is less likely to melt down. Shes obviously not just throwing a bandage on things, either. Planning test runs suggests she is committed to his care.
Please work with her, especially since that gives you some say in vetting this service.
More important, stop assuming the worst of her intentions. I get a whiff of harrumphing at the huge wedding and the future in-laws wealth. Please stop.
