Husband’s demands suggest underlying issues

"I can’t conceive of wanting intimacy with someone who says things like this to anyone. Loneliness sounds like an upgrade."

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September 9, 2020 - 9:40 AM

Hi, Carolyn: In an attempt to rekindle the intimacy in my marriage, I have had discussions with my husband about how we as a couple can evolve. I am feeling that it is not possible to live up to his expectations. Here are two examples:

Me: I’d like us to make time for intimacy.

Him: If you made an effort to be more feminine, I would be more attracted to you.

Eight months later:

Me: same request.

Him: If you were more detail oriented about how you do things, I would find you more attractive.

When asked to be specific, he used the example of me rarely rechecking the tire pressure on my bike before going on a short ride.

My perceived lack of detail is seen as a shortcoming.

Is this unfair? Isn’t this subjective? One person’s idea of detail is probably not the same as someone else’s.

For the record, my suggestions for counseling have been rejected.

— Confused

Confused: I can’t conceive of wanting intimacy with someone who says things like this to anyone. Loneliness sounds like an upgrade.

There has to be more to the story. Something like: You and he had years of happiness before the need for rekindling, a shared sense of purpose. You enjoyed displays of his respect.

Without something powerful in your hisstory together to keep you there, or without a game-changing explanation, like a personality change due to illness, I can’t see overcoming his cruelty.

So casual, so selfish, so dehumanizing.

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