Dear Carolyn: We lost our father this year, and I am dreading the holidays without him. I was closer to my dad than my out-of-state siblings, who are now hosting traditional holiday events that would require boarding the dog and arranging a hotel room for us rather than our Christmas celebration at my dads beautiful house, a 10-minute car ride from here. The house has been sold and I miss my dad every day.
I am not sure I even want to be there and Ive been told I have to. I dont feel like a party. I dont want to put the dog in the kennel. And yet I am not sure if staying apart from my siblings this year is selfish, tinged with self-pity and something Ill regret. Dreading the Holidays
Dreading the Holidays: Im so sorry for your loss.
Its okay to spend your holiday at home, tending to your grief. Do put some local commitments on your calendar so you have places to go, with quiet spaces in between as you need them, but its fine if the essential framework of being home with dog, sans family, works for you.
Im not even sure what to do with and Ive been told I have to. Thats just false physically, legally, emotionally and Christmasally.
Though if theres an element of worry to it, if your sibs are afraid youre losing yourself to grief, then thats something else. Its worth asking one of them pick the most honest and easygoing one whether theyre pushing you for a reason.
Its also important to parse your regret. Dont worry about being selfish you dont owe anyone your presence but do weigh possible regrets for having missed out. If some sibling time would be restorative, then push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Often you understand this only after the fact not helpful! but maybe you can pick up on your minds own hints. Are you making excuses to justify not going? Are you hoping someone else gives you the out? Those are my tells, at least, when Im avoiding whats good for me.
If its all just about disappointing others, though, and youre sure of wanting to be home, then tell them this isnt a forever decision, its just this year. Tell them thanks, too, for rallying with celebrations of their own. Thats encouraging even if it doesnt appeal to you now.
Hi, Carolyn: My wife has gone overboard for Christmas this year homemade cookies for every person shes met, it looks like Santa threw up in our house, and gifts for every person you can imagine. She lost her mom six months ago and her dads health is failing. She was incredibly close to her mom, and we live within walking distance to her parents house. I suspect shes compensating for losing her mom, but whenever I bring up the holiday overload, she gets defensive and sometimes starts crying. What should I do? Annapolis
Annapolis: Stop bringing up the holiday overload.
Am I missing something? Its cookies.
Grief doesnt respond well to corrections. Unless someone is emotionally medicating with highly risky behavior, its better just to give extra hugs, let the sadness express itself and otherwise get out of the way.