Adapted from an online discussion.
Hi, Carolyn: My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I are in the middle of a divorce. He is living with his affair partner a two-hour flight away. Our daughters are 6 and 4. We live in the same metro area as his family.
A few weeks ago, my father-in-law got a terminal diagnosis. He has about six to nine months. This is a huge shock because he was in good health and relatively young.
My husband’s family is arranging meal trains and visits. It’s a very emotional and difficult time, and everybody benefits from my girls participating in this fully. But for that to happen, I will be immersed in a family I am no longer really a member of. I will be reminded every day that I’m good enough to handle the sticky family dramas but not good enough to be faithful to.
I want to tell my ex that if he wants his kids to see his father, he can take them over there. What would happen, though, is the kids wouldn’t get over there. And everybody loses.
I know I will end up being involved for the kids’ sake, but how do I take this high road without eroding my self-esteem more and becoming a bitter martyr?
— High Road
High Road: You protect your self-esteem and inoculate yourself against bitterness by basing your decision on your own values, then sticking to it.
So, for example, if you think it’s important for your girls to see their grandfather, then take them to see their grandfather. That’s it. Then it’s your decision only and not about anyone else. So what’s there to feel bitter about?
If instead you don’t think it’s important, if you’d be doing it for appearances or to prove something to your ex, then don’t take them. Again, that will be entirely your decision, ergo no blame to distribute.
Another thing to consider: If you think it’s important for your ex to be in charge of connecting his kids to his dad, then say so and let him either arrange it or drop the ball. And if he drops the ball, then don’t blame yourself because you made the decision upfront that it was his responsibility, not yours, to get the kids there.
See where I’m going with this? Think through your options, make the decision, own it, live it forward.
Yes, it will be hard if your decision involves seeing your ex’s family. But they didn’t cheat on you, your about-to-be-ex did. And he didn’t cheat on you because you weren’t good enough, he cheated because he wasn’t.
So treat your in-laws as you always have; the only one with any cause to feel self-conscious here is your ex.
The one who takes the fewest opportunities to be a jerk wins.