Adapted from an online discussion.
Hi Carolyn! What is the best way to handle people who simply cannot and will not take no for an answer? A casual friend asks me to do minor (unreciprocated) favors for her, and she just can’t wrap her head around it when I have occasionally declined. I usually hedge, hem and haw, and end up feeling put upon, because the only peace I get is to just cave in and do it.
She recently overstepped a boundary by putting on the full-court press for me to cave in: 5 a.m. text messages, sometimes 6 a.m., thrice daily calls or more! And instead of caving in, I finally just blocked her number. Sweet, sweet relief. Now she is calling friends of mine whom she barely knows, crying that I am ignoring her. HELP? I don’t even think I want to be friends with her anymore. — Let It Gooo …
Let It Gooo …: You answered your own question. The way to handle it is to stop the routine in which you “hedge, hem and haw, and end up feeling put upon” until you cave and just:
1. Say no.
2. Mean it.
3. Don’t cave.
That means you decline to take part in the conversation when your friend pressures you to change your answer. Texts at 5 a.m.? Are you kidding me? Maybe if she’s stranded by the side of the road; otherwise, mute city. Every time you cave, you teach her how hard she needs to push to change your no to a yes. (“Gift of Fear” 101, just in a different context.) You won’t get “peace” from encouraging persistence.
It’s a matter of understanding that people have to take no for an answer if that’s the only answer you give them. And that’s your decision: You are in complete control of holding your own lines.
So, sure, this friendship sounds as if it’s over — but if you don’t want it to be, then make your limits clear to her and hold firm. No means no, I won’t respond when you pressure me, and, yes, I will block and ignore you if you don’t respect my decisions — so it’s up to you if you want to keep being my friend on those terms. That is sweet relief.
Readers’ thoughts:
· What are you telling the mutual friends? (I assume they are mutual.) If it’s anything other than, “Yes, she has asked me to do something five or six times and I stopped answering because she won’t take no for an answer,” you’re not providing them with the info they need to stop passing this info on to you.
· Is your friend not taking no for an answer? Or is she not getting a direct no, and not taking the hint you are sending because you “hedge, hem and haw”?
When I mean no, I usually say no, and probably only “hedge, hem and haw” when I would like to say yes but there are obstacles involved. Some of us need direct communication, because we stink at trying to understand indirect communication that seem to clear to others.
Make sure you have clearly said, “I don’t want to do X, and calls and texts at 5 a.m. are not acceptable.” You don’t have to do this, but it is kinder than ending a friendship without having done it (assuming, of course, that you haven’t).
