Dear Carolyn: Is being truthful always the way forward? For the first 10 years of our committed relationship, my wife’s family disowned her and us because we are two women. We became parents through kin adoption, and the in-laws slowly forged a relationship with us and our kids. Our kids have deep, meaningful relationships with their grandparents.
We sent out a save-the-date for our 30th anniversary. We’ve never celebrated our marriage, and we want to do it with friends and family near and far. My in-laws informed us they have never believed in our marriage, because marriage is only between a man and a woman. They will not be coming. They told our kids (older teens, young adults) they won’t be coming because they have a long-planned trip across the globe.
In-laws have warned us that we will destroy the family if we tell the kids the real reason the in-laws aren’t coming. They aren’t wrong. Our kids would be devastated to know.
With the adoption and messy extended family, we have built a family based on truth and transparency. My kids would also be devastated if they knew we lied to them. Kids are pressuring us to change the date so grandparents can come. I really have no idea what I’m supposed to say or not say.
— To Tell or Not to Tell
To Tell or Not to Tell: Gotta love people who insist on multiple years of multiple lies to protect themselves from the consequences of their so-called acts of conscience.
Don’t for a second accept your in-laws’ sorry attempt to pass the blame onto you.
If anything destroys your family, it will be, in descending order of culpability: your in-laws’ homophobia, their lies and any lies you tell to cover their lies and homophobia.
They may have meaningful relationships with your children, but not deep ones — not when they’re burying who they really are under layers of deceit. The relationship is only as deep as the dirt that covers their secret.
Think about it: If your in-laws are in the right, then why can’t they say so out loud?
They know exactly what they’ve done and how hateful it is, so for your own sakes, and especially for your kids’, let them finish the job of outing themselves.
Now, because they’re your wife’s parents and she didn’t write to me, you need to talk to her about your approach before you make any decisions. But you don’t need her permission not to lie to your kids. Integrity is not negotiable. There’s a range of responses that aren’t lies, though, from, “You’ll have to ask your grandparents that,” to, “They’re boycotting because they don’t recognize our marriage,” and where you fall on that range is a valid topic of marital discussion.
My advice is for one of you, ideally your wife, to make it clear to your in-laws that you will not say anything to your children that you know to be untrue. Then connect the dots for them: That means the kids will either hear the truth from one of their parents or piece it together after the first honest but screamingly obvious non-answer. So if they would like the opportunity to explain their own moral reasoning to their beloved grandchildren, then they’d best get on that right quick.
