Dear Carolyn: My brother and sister-in-law had their first baby 18 months ago. Shes super cute and Id love to spend time with her. Except they havent left her, except for two hours one day last year, AT ALL. No grandparents babysitting, no date nights, no fun aunt time, etc.
This obviously sounds exhausting and not at all healthy for anyone involved.
So far, Ive played into their requests and spend time with her whenever I can, with them. But its hard to bond with a kid when she knows her better choice is right there hovering over her, and Im kind of over it. The last straw was asking whether I would watch her at the mall while they got their hair cut. Im 40, not a 13-year-old kid, Im not going to watch her at the mall.
Any suggestions on how I can deal with them and have a better attitude so that I can at least see my niece? I had grand ideas of being able to take her for overnights once a year or so, like my aunt did with me starting at 2. At the very least I had grand ideas of being able to babysit her while her parents went out to dinner. My annoyance with my brother and SIL is making me not want to see them at all. Annoyed
Annoyed: Well thats about as self-defeating a turn as Ive seen a problem take.
Im not unsympathetic. Watching people overprotect a child, which it sounds as if theyre doing, brings out a visceral response for some reason. I think its partly based in rational, villager concerns about the potential harm in limiting a childs experience, which may not be an issue at 18 months but will become one if this continues and about instilling in a child a fear-first worldview.
I think part of it, too, is the implied insult; even you, a loving middle-aged auntie, are with the rest of humankind on the Do Not Trust list? Really?
But no matter how valid the issues you take with these parents, they get the last word here and the first and middle ones, too.
And, ironically, the more you resist or eye-roll their parenting judgment, the more you affirm to them their wisdom in maintaining a strict two-person child-rearing advisory board.
Time will crack this open eventually, of course. But youll make room for yourself sooner if you keep proving your value and keep minding their rules. Of course youll stroll the mall with their kid while they get haircuts. Because youre not the reason theyre distrustful, they are. Of course youll come hang out with the child at their home. Respect their right to these rules if not the substance of them.
And while were here: Of course you wont press for overnights, because even many relaxed parents would say no at 2 (or 5 or _) for all kinds of reasons. Just because it worked for you doesnt mean it suits everyone.
So. Back those expectations down to nothing, and your hopes to this: time with your niece.
That boosts your chance of being trusted when they rethink their trust no one stance or of being the childs badly needed outlet if the clamps stay on.
Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.
