Dear Carolyn: My grandfather is in his 90s. Hes in great health overall, is mentally very sharp and lives very close to family. My mother has taken to lying to him when she has something planned that my grandfather will not be participating in a family portrait, for example, or a vacation, at least up until the point that we leave because my mother says my grandfather has a tendency to lay the guilt on thick.
Part of me is fine with my mom doing what she needs to do, but she asks us to lie, too (Dont tell your grandfather .?.?.). He always asks about these things. I have told my mom this bothers me and that I dont like the lying.
I suppose theres an argument that its somehow sparing my grandfathers feelings when things are going on without him? But I dont ever see that as the reason for my mothers actions.
My mom has a larger tendency to tell lies to suit her needs, like, Tell them youre sick, if I need to get out of an obligation, or Dont tell, about something she has done. What do you think? H.
H.: I think youre pretty astute.
And honest.
Good for you on both counts.
Now you need to be courageous, too, to say to your mother, No, I wont lie. Not to Grandpa, not to get out on an obligation, not to cover for her or anyone else.
Youve gotten close to this in telling your mom youre uncomfortable, which is promising. You just need to nudge it to no.
Just like integrity itself, though, this issue isnt without nuance. Its fine to assure her you wont go around volunteering information to people; you dont have to be proactively truthful. Just make it clear that when asked, you wont respond with a lie.
When its realistic to, you can also defer questions to her. Presumably you know when and how your grandfather tends to ask things. That means you can be ready with the most logical phrasing of You need to ask my mom. I could argue thats the familial equivalent of suborning perjury; however, it also counts as good emotional hygiene to decline invitations to get in the middle of other peoples power struggles. Your grandfather quite possibly asks you because he knows youre more forthcoming than your mom, and thats as underhanded as your mothers dishonesty. You owe no apologies for opting out of their dysfunction.
If I had to guess, Id say your mother cultivated her deception skills as a defense mechanism an unhealthy one, obviously against the paternal guilt-tripping, which itself was probably an unhealthy defense mechanism for some emotional tendency in his family, and so on.
If this is indeed a family pattern, then breaking it will be hard work, but worth it. Consider talking to a good family therapist if the familys dysfunction or your discomfort with it runs wider and deeper than this.
Standing by your own decisions even under the worst familial pressure feels better than making things up to appease others, because the former is the act of an adult and the latter the act of a child. Trust that.