Hi, Carolyn: I am a stay-at-home mom of children 9, 7 and 4. My brother and his wife had their first baby three months ago. Before the baby was born, my sister-in-law, Sue, told me she was thinking of staying home full time and asked me to share any thoughts and tips I had. I spent the next few months introducing her to other moms in my local SAHM community and offering up every piece of advice I had so she would feel supported if she joined in. I really would have loved to have Sue become a permanent part of our community.
She announced last week shes going back to work and leaving the baby with a nanny for a variety of reasons (not financial).
For some reason, I am feeling very hurt. I really threw myself into trying to welcome her into SAHM life and I feel she surveyed the resources I showed her and decided they simply werent good enough. Worse, I feel she is judging me in a way she didnt before, now that she has met my friends and knows more about my daily life.
How to get past these feelings? I HATE the idea of being part of the mommy wars and resenting a beloved sister-in-law just because she is a working mom and Im not. But I feel a little seed of that starting to grow and I need to get past it. Hurt
Hurt: This has nothing to do with you.
She asked for your help, and you gave it, and you made her decision a more informed one. Good stuff.
In fact, if your information helped her to recognize that being home full time wasnt a good fit for her, then you did this family a huge favor, all of them.
That she chose a path different from yours says nothing about the validity of either path. I didnt choose to become a lawyer after extensive research, including through some of my closest friends; I dont fancy myself too good to be a lawyer! I dont think lawyers are beneath me, and Im not opposing them in a cosmic Us vs. Them, Lawyers vs. Writers, Worky Wars death match.
This is a mommy war only if you make it one.
Dont make it one.
Instead, congratulate Sue on working so hard to make an informed choice and be grateful you live at a time when you have choices.
And if I caught your harrumphing between the lines in leaving the baby with a nanny, then everyone who knows you will, too. Just stop. Because she wants to is reason enough, and it doesnt mean such parents dont love their children as much as others, and it doesnt mean they look down on you for your choices. It means the adults involved have agency and arent afraid to use it. Repeat as needed till theres a truce for the war in your head.
And whenever you can choose not to take offense, please do.
Re: going back to work: So is your brother. He also had a choice to stay home, and he didnt take it. But I bet that doesnt bother you. Anonymous
Anonymous: See, I missed that. Completely. Ive got work to do myself.
Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com.
