Dear Carolyn: My partner wants a baby and I dont, and because we are same-sex there would be some difficulty involved in having one.
After many frustrating conversations, we have decided we will not have one. I see this as nothing more than sticking to our default state of childlessness, but my partner clearly thinks I have gotten my way and feels owed something in return.
I suggested adopting a new pet and that provoked anger, snide remarks, and tears.
What else can one person provide to make up for not having a child? Even if I sound glib about it here, I actually do feel guilty about this on a daily basis. Baby Substitute
Answer: You cant provide a substitute for a child. You didnt choose a different thing, you chose a different life.
And the fact that you stuck to the same thing you already had doesnt mean your partner did as well. Your partners default state was childlessness, technically, but that state included plans for future parenthood. So that default really was parenthood-to-be, which is not the same as your childlessness.
Your decision lopped off your partners expected life path. You came to it mutually, yes, but in areas where there is no compromise, just either-or, even a mutual decision means one of you 100 percent gets your way. You did here. This is not just something your partner thinks.
Understanding that, and saying so out loud, and being sensitive to it hereafter enough to imagine yourself in your partners position before you start making suggestions are three things you can provide to help make up for your partners loss.
Feeling guilty is not the same thing; thats just feeling as if you did something wrong. Your decision was no more wrong than it would have been had your partners druthers prevailed.
Your question sounds glib not because youre not trying you obviously recognize you need to do something but because your response to your partner so utterly lacks empathy. Look again: You say our default. When it comes to feelings, assuming my means our is a potentially relationship-ending mistake, and your whole letter comes down to, Im not grieving, so why are you sad?
Your partner is grieving. Respond to those needs accordingly.
