You don’t have to fight to resolve problems

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half, and are thinking about getting engaged.

But we have never gotten into a fight or anything approaching a fight. Is that a red flag? Does that mean we are avoiding our problems, or are we just good at conflict resolution?

I’m definitely past the “honeymoon” stage and know he’s not perfect (because nobody is), but nothing he does seems to bother me to the point where I’d start a major argument with him.

Things have moved much faster with him than in my previous relationships, which usually ended after around four months. We discussed a lot of big-picture things early on. But I’m concerned I have a massive blind spot. My parents have been married 35 years and have fought constantly. My grandparents were married 60 years and used to get in huge shouting matches, usually with one of them storming off. — Not Fighting

Not Fighting: Disagreeing is normal, and reconciling differences is necessary.

Fighting isn’t necessary. It’s what people do when they lack the emotional skills or maturity to handle differences — or when they are equipped but suffer a momentary loss of emotional control.

Your 35 plus 60 years of ancestral brawling represent troubled marriages of people ill-equipped to communicate their needs respectfully and meet those needs peacefully. I’m sorry you want for healthy examples.

The absence of conflict in itself is not a red flag, but if the only way a couple avoids fighting is to leave every need, want, contrary opinion or bad feeling unexpressed, then it’s a red-flag cabaret.

You say nothing he does bothers you “to the point where I’d start a major argument with him,” and that gives me pause. It’s not either-or, either letting something slide or BOOM.

Establishing a low-conflict relationship is an hourly, daily, constant process of emotional and literal honesty. If something bothers you, then you say so, proportionately to the situation: “Hey, I was watching that — please turn it back,” or, “What’s with the comments about people’s weight?” or, “I do want to discuss what happened, but it would help me to have an hour to collect my thoughts.”

Not angry, not yelling — just stating your position.

Then, let his responses tell you if he accepts and reciprocates your respectful statements of self — since that’s really what all of these small things amount to. If he says, oops, sorry, and turns the channel back; if he engages you about weight and cruelty and bias, and is open to examining his reflexive responses; if he can respect your space — then all would be great signs.

You of course need to do the same: Listen to what he says, respect his needs, and act vs. react.

The biggest gift couples can give is not yelling each other out of their honesty. Snapping encourages withholding, and withholding allows bad relationships to last beyond their natural expiration dates.

The ability to be honest with each other doesn’t guarantee you’re well-matched. It just means you’re both emotionally mature.

That maturity, though, allows you both to be fully yourselves, no facades, which is the only way to learn whether you have a good thing with someone — meaning, whether your tranquility is a veneer or solid throughout.