The start of the NFL season brings joy to millions of people.
But for many others it’s a time of high anxiety knowing what is in their immediate future. They’re seeking refuge in their secret hiding places, putting their smartphones on mute and faking naps at all hours of the day.
These are the unfortunate millions who suffer from the onset of FFP — Fantasy Football Phobia, the fear of being stuck in a conversation with someone who takes part in a fantasy football league.
An estimated 50 million people in the United States play fantasy football, which is an impressive number. But that means many millions more have no interest at all in fantasy football, whether they are NFL fans or not.
Yet every year around this time they are subjected to nonstop mentions of someone’s fantasy team. Like cicadas, they grow louder and louder and just won’t stop.
Typically there are only two options for those on the receiving end: Nod your head in agreement as though you are listening intently or inform the FFB (Fantasy Football Blatherer) you couldn’t care less about his or her roster. Most choose the former option as it’s the easiest way to avoid an argument about the relevance of fantasy football.
These people choose to suffer in silence, realizing it’s impossible to convince someone the rest of the world is uninterested in why they spent their second pick on Chicago Bears quarterback Justin Fields to stow him on the bench for the inevitable day coach Matt Nagy “wakes up” and starts him.
The COVID-19 pandemic inadvertently alleviated the problem for millions of us last season. Many bars were closed or had limited capacity, minimizing the opportunities for FFBs to endlessly discuss their waiver-wire pickups. And many of us worked remotely from our homes, where there was no water cooler to hang around and listen to their brilliant analysis.
But this fall it’s back to semi-normalcy for many, so it’s best to be prepared to hear someone casually mention that Jacksonville Jaguars receiver Laviska Shenault Jr. was a no-brainer pick in the third round with Trevor Lawrence at quarterback.
For the silent majority of anti-fantasy football fans, here are five handy tips to help get you through the 2021 season.
1. Wear earbuds
Even if you are not listening to music, an easy way to avoid conversations is to wear earbuds when you suspect an FFB is in the vicinity waiting to let you know how they “stole” Minnesota Vikings receiver Justin Jefferson last year and have “the same feeling” about Cincinnati Bengals rookie Ja’Marr Chase, Jefferson’s old LSU teammate. A cheaper option is to stick cotton balls in your ears, but earbuds look better and you also can listen to music or podcasts while ignoring the “expertise.”
2. Pretend you are a ‘player’
Sometimes the best defense is to go on offense. When someone is droning on about how they squeaked out a win last season on the “Hail Murray” bomb from Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray, inform them you kicked butt with your choice of Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker because you thought his surname “reeks of football.” The FBB immediately will target you as an amateur with no real knowledge of the game, and thus unworthy of having a real conversation about fantasy football. By no means should you pretend to have selected Bears quarterback Andy Dalton or your cover will be blown.
3. Employ the phrase: ‘Well, I was listening to …’
