Dear Carolyn: When I was about 20, I got my girlfriend pregnant. She was 23 and wanted the baby whereas I was not ready to be a father, so she broke up with me and had the baby pretty much on her own. Her family helped her, and she didnt ask me for child support until I graduated college and had a steady job.
Still, it was a burden on my entry-level salary and I resented both her and my daughter, so I wasnt an involved father. To explain myself to my family and others who knew I had a daughter I hardly saw, I made up stories about how horrible and crazy my ex was and how it was all her fault.
I know that was cruel and cowardly, but it was hard to backtrack.
My ex contacted me last year to let me know she had a terminal illness. As a new father to a year-old son, I saw I couldnt let my 18-year-old daughter, Lynn, go through that alone, so I reconnected with her, made peace with my ex and have been trying to make amends.
Lynn naturally resents and distrusts me, but she is slowly becoming a part of my life. The problem is that my wife, my parents and my friends think the worst of her late mother. No one would be cruel enough to speak ill of her late mom to Lynn, so I could let sleeping dogs lie, but my conscience says I should set the record straight. I just dont know how to begin to do that.
I dont see what would be gained, too, while a lot could be lost by doing so. Must I confess, or can I just make it up to Lynn by being the best dad I can now? The truth could really ruin our fragile relationship. Truth or Not
Answer: Omg.
Tell your wife, parents and friends what you did. Immediately. Anyone who received your bad information.
When Lynn is older, more mature, and not freshly grieving, tell her, too. Admit that your choices surrounding her birth were almost uniformly terrible, and beyond checking the box, Didnt dodge support payments, you had many opportunities at decency and you passed on virtually all of them.
Repeat: Save the specifics for when its useful and better for her. Whats better for you is something you forfeited the right to consider when you chose to act so selfishly at 20-plus, and then doubled down well after immaturity expired as an excuse.
And if you cant see any gain by telling your people now, then youre not looking hard enough. I can think of three off the cuff, and we can all can quit counting after No. 1 anyway:
(1) Clear your exs name.
(2) Allow your people to know the truth about you. Youve misrepresented yourself to everyone.
(3) Dare to live a life of real trust. Thats when you carry yourself with integrity and find out whether your people are still your people when they know the real you. All of it. The ones who stand by you will represent a higher order of intimacy thats worth the risk to achieve.
Im grateful to you for being honest here. Keep going.
Dear Carolyn: I have three friends, two with money and one poorer. The poorer one borrowed money from both of my richer friends and has not paid them back. She has gotten some money together, and told me she wants to buy her boyfriend an expensive watch for Christmas.
I would like to tell her to pay back our two friends. She doesnt know that I know she owes them money.
Can I ask her nicely to pay them back or should I just stay quiet? I feel awkward every time I talk to her. Pennsylvania
