Hi, Carolyn: Can you will yourself to like someone? My sister is dating someone who annoys me. I dont think Ill ever like him. Im hoping they break up, but its stressful for my sister because she wants all of us to hang out. She can sense I dont like him, but I dont want to tell her when she asks me. Any advice?
Virginia
Virginia: Well, you can try. And theres a lot of love in the trying.
I suggest you be honest about both with your sister. Stress thrives in uncertainty, and she has a lot of that right now: She has one-big-happy-family expectations shes not certain her people can meet; she has a sense you dont like him that shes not certain is founded; shes probably unsure whether to ask you outright or wait to see how things play out. Stress.
So give her something solid to build on: I know you want us all to hang out. You can probably also tell Im holding back a bit. See what she says here, because that will tell you how much she wants to know. If she asks outright what you think of him, then, kindly and without judging: It hasnt been like at first sight but Im not dating him, you are. I will always rally for people who make you happy. Perhaps its not something to build on, but instead build with. Your truth is raw material for her to create more realistic expectations. If this guy is her priority, then he might come at the cost of her familial kumbaya; if happy group hangouts are her priority, then that might cost her this guy. The sooner she knows what her options are, the better equipped she will be to make her decisions during which you can, and should, try in earnest to see in him what she sees.
Dear Carolyn: I have been going to a therapist for the last six weeks. Since a very young age I have dealt with intrusive suicidal thoughts. I have just functioned with them in secrecy Im a perfectionist and overachiever and have carried quite a bit of shame surrounding these feelings.
My spouse is one of very few people in my life who know about them, and has encouraged me for years to see someone. Well I finally did, and it turns out I have OCD and there are ways to help reduce these thoughts. I needlessly suffered in silence for decades.
Its going to be a long road and a lot of work, but I am encouraged that I will eventually find relief with the help of this mental health provider.
I just wanted to submit this note in case a reader has been on the fence about getting mental health help. If you think you need it, do it.
Invest in Yourself
Invest in Yourself: Im so grateful you did, thank you.
Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com.
