Hi, Carolyn: My boyfriend used to be married to Mandy, with whom he has two children. He had a serious affair with Jennifer and left Mandy to be with her. Their mutual friends and Mandys family rallied around Mandy, of course. Ultimately the relationship with Jennifer didnt work out.
A few months after he broke up with Jennifer, he and I got together and I am also named Jennifer.
It is clear to me that many of the people I am introduced to as his girlfriend think I am THAT Jennifer. It is stressful and exhausting and leads to constant uncomfortable situations. People are frosty or outright nasty to me.
His former in-laws fall into the latter category. I met some of them at Thanksgiving at the kid handoff. My boyfriend asked that I not go into self-justification mode and not bring up the fact that I am not that Jennifer, as he would rather end all discussion of that affair altogether. He and I are together legitimately, no one is cheating on anyone, and yet I seem to be doomed to keep feeling like a dirty mistress, over and over. Anything I can do, or ask him to do? Not THAT Jennifer
Dear THAT Jennifer: You can explain that you see why hed rather not keep bringing up the affair, obviously, but that his choice leaves you under the bus with That Jennifer. And that its painful for you to absorb frosty or outright nasty behavior intended for somebody else.
I cant see going forward with a relationship with anyone who couldnt at least recognize that point as valid.
Assuming he does, then ask him if he has any ideas for sparing you this pain, if not with everyone, then with the people youre going to see again and again, like these former in-laws.
Such as: He eats dirt one more time with each party: This is not that Jennifer, but someone I met later with an unlucky name. Please reserve your anger for me alone, because shes innocent. Thank you.
Or he at least gives you his blessing to say, not every time and not in passing, but only when youre subject to particular cruelty: I understand your fury, but Im a different Jennifer. I mean, come on you have to be able to speak freely, just on principle, but especially in a tense situation.
Anything you decide will go better as a team decision.
I offer these even though Im generally more in the less-explaining-the-better camp. While youre not a dirty mistress no matter how openly anyone treats you as one, youre dating the guy who dumped his family for Jennifer. Theres collateral fury in that. However, you do need to be (1) understood and (2) given a vote on how to handle this. Your boyfriend doesnt get to dictate this for both of you.
So, what you can do is hold firm on having equal say in dealing with Jennifer fallout. And if he doesnt see why, then you can run like youre on fire.
Re: Other Jennifer:
News at 10: Man selfish enough to start affairs instead of facing problems in marriage also plenty selfish enough to ignore new girlfriends discomfort. Now over to the weather.
— Anonymous
