Dear Carolyn: Recently a middle-aged person told me that they wouldnt want to live past the age of 80. Im in my mid-70s, and still working full time at a job I love in a field Id be happy to pursue at least part time as long as Im able think past 100, if Im lucky!
My feelings are really hurt by this persons expressed view, and I feel it is ageism. I was too stunned to reply at the time, but now wonder what I should have said? Nothing snarky. Hurt
Dear Hurt: Im curious about your reasons for taking it so personally. To me it just sounds like ignorance. With some tone-deafness thrown in, given the audience.
If theres a next time, then a plainly stated, I hope I have more than five years left, but I speak only for myself, would get any necessary points across.
As for whether its ageism, yes, it is, since this person basically said a life after 80 has no value. But Im struggling with a way to say this … it doesnt sound like mindful or purposeful ageism, but instead flippant and accidental ageism, like the person who hasnt given a moments thought to what s/he was actually saying. Like a 7-year-old thinking anyone over 45 is ancient.
Re: Ageism? My parents lived very happy and healthy lives until they were around 85. Now at 87 and 92, they are living very unhappy and unhealthy lives. So Ive said something similar about not wanting to be in their position. I have seen also that they have little agency over their lives now in almost every way you can think of. So Im not sure its ageism to say I wouldnt want to live past 85. Its been my life experience for the past few years. Not Sure
Dear Sure: How about just saying, then, that you hope not to outlive your good health? Because the sentiment isnt the problem, the arbitrary age tacked onto it is.
Dear Carolyn: How should I respond to a longtime friend who repeatedly points out that my 10-year-old isnt growing or developing like her peers? She phrases them as pointed observations, not curious questions. Our child is well within the range of normal, according to her doctor. Ive said as much, but my friend doubles down. Id like to shut this down for good. Any advice? My kid is fine, thanks
Stop responding as if you owe her a response.
You keep saying this. May I ask why?
Then respond to her response. Maybe theres a non-obnoxious reason for her statements that hasnt occurred to you. If its just that shes worried and boundary-challenged, then say you appreciate her concern, but her harping doesnt help.
Once youve drawn that line, enforce it thereafter with, Next topic please, then talk about something else.
Re: Unhelpful: I dont know what you want me to do about that, also works. Ive said this repeatedly to certain family members who openly complain about an ugly facial feature I have. Anonymous
Its a great answer, but seriously? Those family members are the ugliest feature here.
