Adapted from two online discussions.
Dear Carolyn: A year ago today, I learned about my husband’s affair. It’s been a challenging year. With the help of therapy, forgiveness and a ton of communication and changes on his end, we are doing well.
But today, I can’t help but feel a little like crawling out of my skin just thinking about what was happening this time last year. How can I get through this day, when my body and mind remember some really difficult things? — Getting Through the Day
Getting Through the Day: I’m sorry.
If you don’t fight the bad thoughts and feelings, then they’ll probably go away faster. Your attention will move on to something else when it’s ready. Yoga and meditation are excellent for this.
If it helps, you can plan something later to look forward to, a little yay-me reward for managing it. Even something as simple as dessert or a good movie.
Readers’ thoughts:
• I’ve been exactly where you are. It took (I’m sorry to say) five years before I stopped thinking: “A year ago today he was …” “Two years ago today he was …” It is still painful for me to look at pictures and remember events from those years — yes, plural — when he was cheating. I let myself wallow a bit. And I don’t think that’s such a bad idea.
In the meantime, I now have years of good to look back on. If that’s what you want — and it’s okay if it’s not — then you can keep building more good “one year ago today” moments.
• Oh boy, can I sympathize. I had the same issues, ex maybe slightly worse: We got engaged on Valentine’s Day, married on D-Day, and he dropped the “I want a divorce” bombshell out of the blue on an always-celebrated three-day weekend.
Fast-forward a long time:
I celebrate Feb. 14 hugely with close friends, requiring massive prep for an elaborate menu, which works perfectly.
I discovered a friend who has become a bestie who was born June 6, and I spend a long time choosing gifts and sharing birthday joy.
On the three-day weekend, it’s a big family barbecue outside.
It all works. I rarely ponder the negative memories. Hugs; time passes.
