Local News

June 21, 2018 - 10:39 AM

Gosh, there are so many ways to distress a damsel! You can lock her in a tower with only her long hair as a rope. You can have her abducted and carried to the top of a skyscraper by an irritated gorilla. But if you’re really looking to warm the frozen hearts of the villains in your life this summer, don’t forget that old standby — tying her to the tracks.

It’s really the most democratic form of hostage-taking, when you think about it. Nearly every community in America possesses at least one length of train track. And the other ingredients — rope, damsel — can easily be retrieved from most any big-box store.

That’s not to say that just anyone can do it. Don’t think that. It does take some skill. First of all, you have to have a decent knowledge of knot theory. And then, of course, people are great wrigglers, particularly when they don’t want their hands and feet bound. You might get an arm tied, but then, whoops, a leg slips free. While you’re not looking she could bite you on the mustache.

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