Dear Carolyn: A long while ago, I was having a catch-up coffee with someone I knew back in high school, and she asked me why I used to pick on her. (I used to tease her about a certain body part.) I am ashamed to say it didn’t occur to me until she asked that I’d been a bully back then — her bully. Among several other glaring character flaws this points to.
I can’t remember exactly how I responded — maybe I actually said the words “I’m sorry”? — but I don’t *feel* like I truly apologized.
Since that conversation, I’ve thought a lot about why I was “that [glass bowl]” back then, and I’ve written out an apology. I wonder whether I should send it to her. Maybe sending it just causes her to re-experience the pain I caused her.
Also, years have passed — not just since high school, but since that conversation. Maybe my apology is too little, too late? Plus: I’m a writer, and I’ve been working on an essay for publication that would include the apology. She may never see it, but she might — she’s a writer, too — and if she does, she’d quite possibly recognize that it’s about her.
What do you think? Should I share it with her? We haven’t spoken since that conversation, though we’re friends still on social media. — Too Little, Too Late?
Too Little, Too Late?: So when all the whirring and processing in your head reached the point where you could name the feeling — the disappointment in yourself back then and in your apology more recently — that was the time to … publish an essay on it that your possibly still vulnerable friend might or might not randomly stumble across.
Yes, I kid.
The moment you understood you had let your friend down, that was the time to tell her how you felt.
The moment you realized you missed that opportunity, that became the new time to upgrade your apology.
If you’ve let that go by, too, then get in touch with her right now. Spell it out for her: You have replayed your coffee date in your mind many times, and you regret that your apology wasn’t sufficient for the harm you did.
The whole, “But won’t I just make the person relive the pain?” self-waiver we all want to grant ourselves is much less applicable than we think.
Yes, it’s possible (stealing from a brilliant “Sex and the City” scene) to ruin high school for her, then ruin her lunch. But she came to you with this after years, so she welcomed your response. Absolutely go back to finish the job.
Make sure you do it because you owe her that, though, not because you want something for yourself — in this case, clearance to publish. When you put it off for years because it’s awkward, then bring it up only because you now have a reason to, or oh-by-the-way it when you happen to see her, all you do is create new things to apologize for. People see through opportunism like that.
The essay is already in progress, so you have no choice but to own it now. “I wrote my way through to what I wish I had said to you over coffee, and it’s in an essay I plan to publish. I’d like you to see it first.” Apologies only count when you’re ready to take whatever new lumps or chip-falls you have coming.
