Dear Carolyn: I just graduated from college and my mom invited me to live with her rent-free so I could save up some money. Im very lucky and have tried not to be a burden.
We really disagree on what I should be saving for. I want to max out my 401(k), correct some dental issues, and travel. This really upsets my mom.
She wants me to save to buy a new car and is always mentioning the benefits of new car models she likes. If I had to guess, she probably thinks the timeline for me to save is urgent, since she wants to give my car to my brother when he graduates next May.
I honestly want a used car. My current one is 15 years old; it runs fine, and I really like it.
I dont know how to talk to her about this. I dont want to be disrespectful, since I love my mom and she is being very kind by letting her adult child live with her. But I feel like our priorities financially are just so different. Is there a way to compromise, or politely talk it out? Grateful Daughter
Answer: Time for you and Mom to have a come-to-Prius moment. (Sorry, sorry, ugh.)
Setting: A time and place when you and your mom are together and at ease and not scheduled to be anywhere.
Opener: Tell your mom how grateful you are for her generosity in giving you this opportunity to save money.
Point: Say you are concerned lately that her goals for this time and yours might be different, and youd feel better if you knew what she had in mind. You dont want to be an unwitting source of angst or frustration for her.
Key question: Is she willing to share her expectations? Such as, a deadline for you to move out? A goal shed like you to reach personally? A goal of her own that she has in mind, maybe one she hasnt fully articulated, and thats dependent in some way on you? Say, for example, your buying a new car and giving the old one to your brother.
If she isnt forthcoming, then all you can do is keep trying to pull your weight, save like the wind were pretending thats a thing and get out of there as soon as its prudent to.
If she is forthcoming, then you work with that bending where you can or where it wont cost your integrity much to bend, and holding firm where you need to. And if holding firm is a problem for her, then this grace period might be up. It happens.
Hi Carolyn: I am finishing a training program and the ritual is a gathering with one of the senior people standing up to say (presumably nice) things about each of the departing trainees. Ive had a rocky year, and my close supervisors and I know its well short of my potential and were all kind of disappointed in me. So it sounds just excruciating to go to this graduation thing and sit through someone trying to publicly praise me for show. Is there a graceful way to get out of going to something like this? Dreading Graduation
Answer: Theres a graceful way out of just about everything.
But, Im not sure thats your best play. You had a rocky year, OK, you didnt live up to your full potential. Bummer. And now … onward. Sit through your moment of less effusive praise than you had hoped for, clap for everyone elses turn, have a cookie and go home.
Then you become praiseworthy for something maybe you hadnt anticipated (and certainly didnt hope for) going in, and may ultimately serve you better: your ability to show up and hold your head high even though things didnt break your way.
