Dear Carolyn: I have a close, small group of friends whom I have known for decades, and two of them are divorced, both more than five years ago. We have always shared things that bother or hurt us in our lives.
When I complain about some hurtful thing my husband has said, or about a problem in our retirement plans, they both remark, At least YOU have a husband. I know they both went through hell, but I dont understand why I am not allowed to have feelings and express them anymore. I hate that our friendship dynamic has changed. Am I being silly about this? D.
Answer: Of course not, no. Its a lonely feeling indeed to have your concerns rubber-stamped as invalid.
It would be silly, though, to exclude this from the list of things your share with them that bother or hurt us in our lives. This one is valid, too, and your friends cant help you with a problem they dont even know you have.
So (as always) be calm, be kind, and be clear: Yes, I do have a husband, and I am grateful for him. And I get upset when he says something hurtful to me. Is that not OK?
This may sound like a rhetorical question, but I suggest you treat it as one youd like them to answer. There could be several explanations for their dismissive response: They may mistake it for a look-at-the-bright-side suggestion, or theyre trying to be funny, or youve been smug about your marriage and theyre weary of it, just for a few examples. Each may have her own reason, too, for responding that way.
But you wont find out if you never admit how you feel.
