We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: My birthday is tomorrow, and ever since I made 40, I get in a major funk leading up to the day. In theory I don’t care about my age; I plan on staying young at heart, trying new things, keeping my body moving, etc., for years to come. I didn’t even realize it was tied to my birthday until it happened three years in a row. I accept the down days for what they are — just a temporary roll in the ditch — but wonder if there’s a better way to deal with that. This is the first year I’ve been on meds for my years-long recurring depressive episodes, and it still happened. Yesterday I could barely get out of bed.
In the past I used to treat my birthday as a template for the rest of the year. I’d do things that light me up and make me feel alive. Where did that enthusiasm go?
I admit it has been hard to live the reality of something I’ve understood only in theory before, that age comes for us all no matter how young at heart we are, that you have to work twice as hard to be half as strong/fast/in shape, and that until the day I die I’m in a race against calcification, mentally and physically. (Cue all the seniors in the chat thinking, “Babygirl, get over yourself; talk to me after you’re 70!”)
I thank God for life every day, or try to, so I’m embarrassed to fall into self-pity around my birthday. What a cliché! Once the birthday passes, I get over it and move on. But can you help me think of ways to reframe this? — Birthday Blues
Birthday Blues: This might seem counterintuitive, but if your current response is to fear for the future, then it may be time to reflect on your past. Birthdays signify a year around the sun: What have you done during that year? What meals did you savor? What vacations did you enjoy? What friends did you meet? The young experience this more intensely as they build careers and social circles, but it doesn’t mean we stop learning and growing as we age. (At least that’s the goal.)
Take the time, reread some journal entries and reflect! Birthdays don’t have to determine “the template” for the year; they can be a time to luxuriate on the blissful moments we’ve created for ourselves. — Reflect
Birthday Blues: “This is the first year I’ve been on meds for my years-long recurring depressive episodes, and it still happened.” I don’t think this is about your birthday, my friend. Go back to your prescriber, and tell them you weren’t able to get out of bed yesterday. If you aren’t also in therapy, get a referral, get on a waiting list and go! If you are in therapy but haven’t shared how you’re really doing, call your therapist today and read them your letter. Effectively treat this as your birthday gift to yourself this year. Go! — Check In
Birthday Blues: I found out around 5:30 one evening that my brother had unexpectedly died. For several weeks after, I found myself feeling hit by a truck every day while making dinner — at about that time. Whether I was thinking about it or not, my brain and body knew, and I got slammed. When I finally realized it was trauma revisiting me, I was able to get past it.
Is there any family history of trauma concerning someone who was 40, or something that happened on a birthday, or around that time of the year? Search your memory banks for something that might be related, and then either witness your grief over it yourself or with a good friend, or have a therapist help you to process it. — Deeper
Birthday Blues: The biggest gift I gave to myself years ago was telling a small group of friends and chosen family that I would really appreciate it if they could organize my birthday meal with them every year. They confirm times that would work with me, and I literally leave everything in their hands from there.
It meant being vulnerable and telling them I felt weird about my birthday. (Thanks, therapy!) The day is rarely fancy, often chaotic and fully wonderful — Lean On
Birthday Blues: Some single people get bummed on Valentine’s Day. Someone who recently lost a parent might be sad on that parent’s birthday, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. Some people feel down during Christmas season if they no longer share it with the close extended family of their youth. What all these anniversaries have in common is that they call attention to something one is missing or losing.
When you feel sad as your birthday approaches, perhaps instead of lamenting, “What’s wrong with me?,” look it squarely in the eye: “I feel sad because of my temporarily heightened awareness of the challenges of aging.” I’m older than you and can confirm that aging only gets more challenging from here. But I’ve also lost a lot of friends over the years, so amid these challenges, I feel like the lucky one.
You don’t report major health problems, you’re grateful for your blessings, you embrace new experiences, and you apparently have a bed comfortable enough to want to stay in when you’re feeling down. Enjoy the luxury of having that bed when you’re temporarily sad. — Everybody Hurts Sometimes
