Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: What are the rules around showing up for family? I’m the youngest, so I got lucky when my mom showed up to my events. My parents always told me to show up and be supportive for my siblings, but when I expected the same, they said, “Your siblings are busy.
You need to respect their time. You’re the youngest, so that’s life. They don’t need to show up to show they love you.”
When I hit my 20s, a kind therapist let me off the hook, so I quit showing up for my family altogether unless it was the holidays. I felt great and never looked back.
Now my brother is annoyed that I’m not interested in his upcoming wedding and fatherhood milestones. I’ve got my own family, and I’m busy!
Last night, I texted him, “I’m showing up for you as much as you’ve ever shown up for me.” He never responded, but I’m getting grief from the others.
Is there a nicer way to tell him that showing up is 99 percent of life? If he’s going to be a dad, then he needs to do better on that front.
— Youngest
Youngest: Whoa. That’s some serious anger from childhood.
Your parents gave you a badly mixed message, and the result, no surprise, was just bad. They called it your duty to show up for your older sibs, which is fine unto itself. Good values. But … held your sibs to no such obligation, a terrible message. Better if your parents had simply admitted they couldn’t or wouldn’t, say, leave you home alone.
As bad as it sounds, “so that’s life” is real; I’m a youngest myself. When the kids outnumber the adults, it usually means there’s one kid participating in something and at least one other along for the ride, forced to kill an afternoon someplace they’d rather not be.
Does it always mean the olders star and the youngers get dragged along, no — but firstborns take priority for sure just by getting there first.
My point being: Sure, blame your parents for their bad logic and/or culture. If your mom didn’t even show up for you, then that’s cruel. But it seems dissonant to blame the older kids for birth order and their advantage in a culture your parents created.
Next, can you carry that framing with you into your adult sibling relationships, instead of defensiveness and a grudge? Would that change how you feel, and talk to them? If they’ve carried their indifference or disrespect for you into adulthood, then that’s on them. But think origin.
They were kids, too, after all. Had you been the older one — but same parents, same flaws — then you might have blown off their events, too, with your parents’ permission or encouragement.
To answer your question, there are no “rules around showing up for family”— so why not use that, and think about forgiveness as a way to wipe the emotional slate: You were all just kids, with parents making choices that fostered resentments, not loyalties.
Rules come with expectations, enforcement, scorekeeping, all recipes for a constricted and angry emotional landscape. Forgiveness is about grudge-release and heart.
A loving emotional landscape is one where you can open your arms and say, hey, I may not get back what I give, but at least I’m deciding where I want to show up, and choosing to reject the roles we were given as kids.
