Dear Carolyn: My wife and a group of her friends meet once a month for a night “on the town.” It’s a tradition she has cherished since college; it predates our and most her friends’ relationships, so it’s their thing, without spouses (although I know and like those friends).
But here’s the thing: We don’t live near any of her friends, so she always walks home or grabs a cab alone, and I hate it. I’m afraid for her safety, and I can’t relax, while she thinks it’s fine and I’m fussing. We don’t live in a dangerous neighborhood, but there have been a few incidents in the past. I can’t let go of the thought that she might be next, but nothing I’ve come up with has been accepted: She doesn’t want me to pick her up, because she doesn’t want me waiting up or setting a pickup time; she doesn’t want to stay overnight with a friend; she doesn’t want to stay off the drinks so she can drive home.
Any ideas? I’d pay for a self-defense class, but I’m afraid that might seem too self-serving and controlling … and it might not assuage my fears.
— Worrier
Worrier: You do not get to change or challenge someone else’s perfectly normal adult behavior just because you feel anxious about it.
You challenge the anxiety. That’s the only appropriate remedy you have here.
By “perfectly normal,” I mean what single people do all the darn time.
Whether you go the self-help route, book time with a therapist or acknowledge a larger struggle and start an evaluation process with your physician, there are effective options for calming an anxious mind through chaotic thoughts.
Please think bigger about this, too, than just your wife’s monthly outings. There are always “a few incidents” — in the safe neighborhood, “on the town,” in the utterly unremarkable daylight sober car ride for a gallon of milk. Life and risk are inseparable, so love and risk must be as well.
It will never not be awful if something bad happens, and there’s no preventing that — but it is possible to stop pre-living the awfulness on a loop in your mind before it happens, so you have better choices than white-knuckling at home or putting your wife on a leash. Train your mind on what you have, vs. what you have to lose.
Dear Carolyn: Every time I have a frustration about life and mention it to my sister-in-law as we catch up, she says, “Oh, but you make a lot of money.” When I told her I restarted therapy after a rough year, she said, “At least you can afford it,” instead of asking how I was doing. I never know how to respond, and it feels as if I can’t talk to her at all, because anything I say will be dismissed because I “make a lot of money.” The kicker: She makes more than me. Any advice on how to handle this?
— Frustrated
Frustrated: With someone obtuse, you have three basic options: ask, tell or play bingo.
Ask her what she means when she mentions money. Let her demystify her reasoning.
∙ Tell her you feel frustrated when you say “pain” and she says “money.” Say it feels dismissive to you. Maybe she has no clue that this bothers you or that her slant is bothersome.
