Dear Carolyn: I am devastated. Husband has asked for a divorce, and I havent been able to change his mind. Ive been begging, crying and pleading with him to stay. Of course he says thats making it worse. Its also making me somewhat embarrassed for myself.
Why not just let him go if he doesnt want to be here? Theres no one else involved, but some bad choices on my end have led to his decision.
I just dont know what to do. I fly out to work this evening. .?.?. Im a flight attendant so I dont even trust I can work without breaking down. Unfortunately, I cant call out. Ive just taken nearly two weeks off as it is. Wed planned a trip to Hawaii next week, but he has said hes not coming with me. Im going on the trip, but it wont be the same.
I just want my life back. Just a few days ago, things were fine, and now my whole life is upside down. I havent been eating or sleeping. Just an all-around mess. How do people get through this? Broken
Broken: In tiny, tiny little increments of functioning to get through an hour, a meal, a conversation, a shift, a day, a week, a process.
Grief just sucks. Theres no sunshine or rainbow. At one moment you are uneventfully being X, and the next moment the universe announces via haymaker to the jaw that youre Y now.
The way to the other side is to count on time to do most of the healing for you, and to contribute to that process whatever you can, when you can, as you can. Meaning, in your case: You need to do a shift at work. Okay. So do that nothing else, just, clean, dressed, present, competent. Everything that isnt on that list gets pushed till after.
Then, after youve completed that step, what can you contribute next? The list of helpful things is not fancy or difficult. Letting yourself cry is there; making yourself go to bed is, too. Getting out of bed when you need to or when its healthy to. Having nutritious food. Taking a walk. Calling someone who helps you feel better, or watching or listening to something, if theres no person at hand.
What will help me heal? Ask yourself in these moments. And when thats not available when that requires more energy than you have ask instead, What will help me pass the time in a nondestructive, non-self-destructive way?
These will dictate which tiny, tiny steps youll take to get through this.
And when youre ready, the big steps, to get to the root of those bad choices. Not to get him back, to get you back.
Underneath it all, place your trust. Trust that humans go through this and humans get through this.
Flight, for what its worth, and Hawaii, might help. I have found big views and landscapes to be healing when Ive been in this kind of hell. Theres something about feeling small relative to the world and history and time that puts awful things in perspective.
