Tell Me About It
Dear Carolyn: My best friend from college is one of the most honest and loyal people you could ever meet. Shes an amazing attorney, a devoted mom, a very good friend and a really mean wife. She and her husband are visiting me right now and its painful to hear the scathing tone she uses with her husband and the constant stream of criticism and orders she directs at him. It seems to be all about control and putting him down, right in front of me and my partner. Her husband is annoying and has his own faults, but no one deserves to be treated this way.
I love my friend but this has concerned me for a long time; theyve been married four years. Im convinced that if I bring it up I will hurt her and risk the relationship. But it also feels wrong to be a silent witness and if I cant talk to her about this, who will? What should I do, and how should I do it? Conflict-Averse but Concerned Friend
Answer: Youve answered half of your own question (thank you, by the way):
If you cant say something, then who will?
Best friend means you voice your concern and you make it about her. Take a walk with her alone and get to it: Im worried about you. Youre one of the best people I know, yet youre so openly rough on Husband that its almost like youre possessed by someone else. Are you OK? Is there anything I can do?
If shes under stress and dumping it all on him, which is what your description suggests and is also quite common though its abuse, make no mistake then compassion is your best chance of coaxing her out of this angry, defensive place.
You may still hurt her and the friendship, of course. However, turning a blind eye to abuse just to preserve your comfort zone is not a choice that withstands moral scrutiny.
Even if you werent close but still havent distanced yourself if, say, you were a colleague or neighbor or some other acquaintance of proximity with limited options for walking away, or if you believed there was enough good in her to give her a chance then youd still have a bystanders obligation to come forward. Saying something light in the moment, like, Wow, tell us how you really feel, can both break the tension and send the message that her tone has crossed a line.
It can help just to be openly nice to a victim, too (especially true with kids). Here, let me help you with that, or, Tell me about your new job. Cast your lot with humanity.
If this all seems frustratingly careful, thats because it is. Abusers use isolation to their advantage, so while theres always a point where principle demands cutting ties, theres value in walking a line until then, one that keeps you involved without enabling.
Plus, people in the gray area between mensch and monster the ones with histories of warmth and decency who have lately veered into anger need more loving people in their lives, not fewer. More people to help carry whats weighing them down. At least give her this chance to recall the person youve known her to be.
Dear Carolyn: We share very thin walls with our neighbors and, this week, I found out the husband lost his job. This has caused all kinds of additional stress on top of an already scary, difficult situation. Theyve been fighting loudly since hes been home more. We barely know them, and I have no idea what to do. Ive literally never spoken to the wife.
Do I acknowledge weve heard the news? Leave a bottle of wine for them? I would send them a week of meal kits, but I dont even have their email. I feel so awful and know how stressful this is, especially with a baby. Neighbor
Answer: Be neighborly, but as you would if you didnt know way too much. Cook something and, whoopsie, realize a double batch was too big after all: I made way more chili than we can use. Would you like some? That will also crack the door figuratively to more regular neighborly exchanges with them, if theyre receptive. (If not, you back off unless and until you hear an emergency through the walls.)
You cant solve their problems, but you can be, if theyre receptive, a small source of comfort at an uncomfortable time.
