Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My 17-year-old son is uncomfortable bringing friends to our home. We live in a large old house that my husband and I see as quirky and interesting, and that he sees as drafty and cluttered. Both are true. A few years ago, my parents moved out of the three-story home where they had lived for more than 40 years and my dad closed his law office. We ended up absorbing a lot of books, furniture, records, office supplies, cookware — “nice” things that I don’t want to just take to Goodwill, and that we have been gradually paring down.
I think we have done a good job of getting rid of things while working full time and raising a family. Apparently, my son does not. He would like a modern, minimalistic home with purebred dogs who don’t shed, sparse furnishings and good-quality electronics. We have a rambling Victorian home with large bookcases, a wood stove, dogs who drool and my parents’ old TV.
I can’t help but feel personally rejected when he says he does not want to bring his friends here. He says I shouldn’t take it that way, but he also admits there isn’t really any other way to take it. He also says he feels bad knowing how much this upsets me, but he can’t help the way he feels.
I probably put way more weight on this than he means. I see it as his not respecting the financial decisions we made to live here so we could pay for lessons, teams, etc. for him and his sister.
His sister has friends over often, and I love that we have gotten to know them so well.
I want to respect that he has told us the truth, and generally we have a good relationship, but my truth is that I feel as if I’ve been punched in the emotional gut. Where do we go from here?
— Gut-Punched
Gut-Punched: Nowhere. He was honest about his feelings and preferences, and you were honest about yours. Now you close the matter and live your lives.
You love each other and you respect each other and, well, he’s not going to hang out at your house with his friends. It’s a bummer, not a crisis.
If you want, though, you can let it be a motivating force to “pare down” less gradually, or to move the stuff to a storage unit to sort from there. Or just let it go, because precious few unused “things” are “nice.”
Even then, it’s possible your son gave you the softer version of the truth. Some kids just don’t like to play out their social lives within earshot of family. It doesn’t have to be nefarious or sneaky, either; it can be a personality trait to prefer more privacy, or a developmental stage.
Regardless, I’ll amend my do-nothing answer slightly: Dial the catastrophizing back from 11 to about a six. He’s 17, differentiating himself and poised to launch, and he’s showing you (with apparent honesty and self-awareness) that he’s ready. Good job, parents and kid. Good for all of you, even though it feels sad to let go.
