Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I are both 19, and well be having our five-year anniversary this summer. Weve dated long-distance the entire time. To celebrate this milestone, we are going on an overnight trip.
My parents strongly disapprove of this. I told them about the trip immediately after I booked it and have been honest throughout the process, but this seems to cross a line for them. Theyve always been very protective of me and my sisters, but I dont know why this in particular is so hard, because Ive traveled on my own internationally and my boyfriend stayed with me for a weekend at college.
I feel my boyfriend and I have proven ourselves to be in a mature and healthy relationship, but my parents still dont like that Im dating someone on principle.
Recently, my mother told me that if we go on this trip, we will be jeopardizing my boyfriends relationship with her and my dad for the long term. Every adult I trust besides my parents (rabbi, therapist) has told me its OK for us to take this trip, and I dont like that my mom threatened my boyfriend, but at the same time I love my parents and I dont want to make things difficult life is tough as it is. Should I go on this trip, or keep the peace? Trouble With Travel
Answer: I think youve got a tough choice there.
And I think 19 is a good age to take on a tough, adult decision, one between two things that each will cost you something you value. The only thing you can do is figure out your values and priorities, rest your decision on them, and accept the consequences.
Whatever you decide, its generally good policy not to cave to emotional threats.
Dear Carolyn: My sister Jane has been seeing Jack barely three months. They live in different states and Jack regularly visits Jane on the weekends, sometimes they travel together. During this time Jack has exhibited some low-level controlling behaviors getting upset when Jane goes three hours without answering a text, when Jane has a drink with friends, when Jane fails to FaceTime him morning and night, etc. Additionally, Jack has been trying to convince Jane to move to his state.
When Jane expresses that this is too much too fast, or that she doesnt really want to move to Jacks state, Jack replies the he will make Jane happy and she will like it once she gets there.
Recently, Jane clearly expressed to Jack that she was feeling rushed in the relationship and asked him for a three-day break from texting, FaceTiming, etc. Jack could not do this and continued to text Jane repeatedly. When Jane did not respond, Jack called Janes roommate. Jane told Jack this was a concerning boundary violation.
Long story (with lots of long texts from Jack) short, Jane phoned Jack and told him that this was not the type of relationship she wanted; that he was not respecting her clearly expressed boundaries; and that the relationship was over. Jane told Jack not to come visit her this weekend.
Jack informed Jane via text that he was coming to her city anyway.
Now the part that involves me: Jane has asked for my advice along the way. At first, I saw some red flags but wasnt too worried. Now, I am somewhat concerned about Janes safety. Am I overreacting? Protective Older Sister
Answer: Yikes. Id suggest strongly that Jane not be home for Jacks visit. She can go stay with a local friend, leave town, come to visit you, anything. Just not be available to Jack.
If/when Jack gets in touch with Jane to rage about her absence, Jane needs to respond clearly in writing, once, that: She said clearly she did not want to see him; she is not interested in a relationship; and he is not to contact her anymore.
Then she needs to make sure she doesnt respond to him again.
