Dear Carolyn: I have a petty problem stemming from a much larger relationship issue. Im getting married, and Ive not bought a dress because the thought of doing so terrifies me.
Id love to buy a colorful dress at the local thrift store and call it a day, but my mom has visions of me in a beautiful white gown with my hair and makeup done. I dont want to crush my moms dream my sister already did that when she failed to live up to my moms wedding-look expectations. I feel like if I dont let my mom dress me up, she will be hurt and remind us of it for years.
At the same time, Im just not comfortable with fancy bridal attire! How do I walk the line between my comfort and her expectations? Wedding Dread
Wedding Dread: Your birth did not start the clock on obligations to fulfill your mothers dreams. You didnt choose to be had.
She is entitled to her dreams, sure, but not to have others fulfill these dreams for her. Thats just not how it works: She doesnt get a say in what you wear or how you live.
She does what she does, you do what you do, others do what they do, and we all work really hard to make the best of what we control and to love our people for who they are and how theyve shaped us.
That reads like brochure copy for an all-inclusive resort called Haxland. Thirty-five craft IPAs, bottomless bowls of dark-chocolate almonds and free Live and let live T-shirts.
Anyway.
Heres what you can offer Mom: Id love for you to help me shop for a dress. One condition: no fancy white dress. I plan to wear something colorful and fun, maybe even from a thrift shop. If you object, then Ill find something else we can do together.
This assumes, of course, your mother has even a sliver of rationality for you to build on. If not in general or just on this issue then assure her you love her and want to include her, but the big dress isnt happening and you hope it wont become a problem .?.?. and then dont discuss it again. Ever.
Lets spend a moment on remind us of it for years: Is there any more efficient way to destroy relationships? To single out something entirely not your business, and minor at that, then harp on it for the rest of everyones lives?
If she does try to make you pay eternally for! a! dress!, then clearly stating your limits gives her a chance to save herself: This is costing us dearly, Mom, in our feelings of closeness to you. Do you want to continue that over clothing, or would you rather drop it right now?
Congratulations, enjoy that vintage dress.
Re: Dress: If there are any disappointed mothers of grown children reading this, Ill issue a PSA: Your open disappointment has driven me to move 2,500 miles away and call you once a month. My choices were fair, legitimate, often successful, based on who I actually am as a person and cost you nothing. Ill call again next month.
Anonymous
Anonymous: Perfect. Thanks.
