Tell Me About It
Dear Carolyn: Im engaged to a wonderful man, Jim, and were planning our wedding. We just booked a gorgeous inn and I am going to wear a stunning full-length white dress. Well also be having a sit-down dinner with band and dancing for the reception.
Im in my 30s and Jim is in his 40s, and we are paying, so no one else really has any say in this, but since its my third wedding and his second, were catching a surprising amount of flak from both our families.
Is there some kind of limit to how many big weddings youre allowed to have? My mom and his sisters are acting like were violating some unwritten rule that this wedding has to be small and intimate.
This isnt a gift grab since were planning to indicate no gifts necessary. I asked my mom if she had doubts about me and Jim but she insists its the wedding, and even said, Enough with the big weddings. We can fully afford this nice but not too elaborate wedding, so why all the grief? Are they living in the past or have we made some kind of awful goof ? Engaged
Answer: Im going with neither. Theyre not living in the past and youre not making some awful goof.
Chances are both parties are acting on some unspoken internal doubts: Theyre concerned youve learned nothing from Jim 1 and Jim 2 and are forging ahead as if its a do-over, and youre concerned you wont be taken seriously because youve been here before.
If thats the case, then my advice is for you, and for your family too if theyre watching to reckon with your own stuff as needed emotionally instead of fighting a proxy war through the wedding.
By that I mean, you resolve any doubts you have about (this) marriage head-on, not through event planning; and your families reckon privately with their concerns versus channeling them through canapecarping.
If youre confident youre doing whats right for you in marrying Jim, then celebrate how you want to. And feel free to say to your critics, Were happy. Were celebrating. I hope youll join us. No further discussion necessary.
Dear Carolyn: Does there reach a point on the introversion scale where youve gone too far? I work from home and rarely see other people besides my wife. Im finding more and more that I like it that way and dont really want to see friends or family. Im not depressed, I just prefer to be home alone or only with my wife. Should I challenge my introversion and go out with friends from time to time, or is being an extreme introvert OK? OK
Answer: Youre treating your circumstances now as if life is permanent, which we all know it isnt. What will you do if your wife suddenly isnt around to serve as your only source of companionship? What if you lose your friends and family to relocation, alienation or death? Whats your Plan B?
If you dont feel like having one, then thats your prerogative. If I were you, though, I wouldnt let my connections and social muscles atrophy completely. Its so much easier to maintain them now than it is to rebuild them later.
