Adapted from an online discussion.
Hi, Carolyn: My spouse and I know several couples who are divorcing. In one case, we are “better” friends with one person in the couple, but still friends with both. Post-split, we have reached out to both parties and tried to keep our and our kids’ friendships going in this rough stretch. This effort is one of the ways we have been trying to give back and help people we care about as they deal with the loss of their marriage.
Now the closer friend is saying they feel uncomfortable with having mutual friends with their soon-to-be-ex. Our past experiences with breakups were all pre-kids, before we knew how hard it was going to be to make and keep good adult friends. In the past, we would have been less proactive about reaching out to both, and probably kept only the better friend out of inertia. But I don’t know. We’re older. It feels weird to have someone draw a line like that. I also get how they might need space and to be surrounded by people who are 100 percent “for” them.
Anyway, our current take is to say, “Yeah, that is understandable,” but we aren’t going to stop being friends with the other person. Does that mean we stop reaching out to the friend who is uncomfortable? Do we say, “We love you, but we aren’t going to choose sides, let us know whether you still want to be friends with us right now”? Do we just say, “Yeah, that must be hard,” then let them figure out we’re still friends with the other person? Do we say, “We love you, this is raw right now, let’s take a break and make a plan to hang out in a few months”? — Wanna Stay Friends
Wanna Stay Friends: First thing you do is preempt any misunderstandings.
They: “I am feeling uncomfortable with having mutual friends with my soon-to-be-ex.”
You: “Understandably. But I trust all of us to be adult and discreet. Is that what you mean? Or are you asking us to drop Ex as our friend?”
Talking your way to what you and this friend can accept, regardless of the outcome, sounds so much better than those permutations of ignoring people or dropping them without explanation. As needed, you can always say you aren’t comfortable deciding anything off the cuff and promise to get back to your friend with an answer.
I prefer it when people don’t ask this of others, or at least not lightly — meaning, don’t ask except when the exes in question are guilty of blatant mistreatment or bad faith. Absent such abuse, it’s a sign of respect to empower friends to navigate their allegiances for themselves.
One reader’s thoughts:
• At the time of my divorce, most people were clear about their desire to stay neutral and friends with both parties, and I accepted that, much as I wanted to scream about her abuse to me and the children. Over time, almost everyone took sides anyway. I tried as best I could to accept it, enjoy the associations I had and lament the ones I lost.
My ex’s take was simply this: If you stay friends with my husband, then you are dirt and not worthy to even talk to. And over time, a lot of people who started “on her side” came to regret their choice and are friends with me again, or with neither of us. I feel sorry for her loss of friends.
