Dear Carolyn: My 40-year-old brother posts often on Facebook about how lousy our father was, and our 70-year-old father often replies to his posts with complaints about how ungrateful my brother is. I find it all hurtful but dont believe anything I can say would make the situation better.
I also find it kind of embarrassing that some of my friends see all this. Is there anything I can do to find my own peace of mind amidst this drama? Family Fight
Answer: To their faces: How old are you two? Isnt it time you aired grievances in person like adults, and not through adolescent party fights on Facebook?
If they keep it up, then block them both.
Middle age, meanwhile, is an excellent time to decide youve outlived embarrassment over things you yourself havent done. If your friends cant distinguish between your choices and your brothers, then theyd attribute the wrong things to you even if your brother werent publicly being a butt.
Maybe thats not reassuring to you now, but it is useful in the que-sera-sera-ification of ones life, a process I cant recommend enough.
Dear Carolyn: My therapist has helped me immensely with my anxiety and depression. Shes leaving, and Im feeling overwhelmed at the idea of starting over with someone new. My schools mental health center is understaffed, so if I dont mesh with whoever takes over her patients, I cant really jump to someone else. I havent brought this up with my therapist yet because I dont want to take time from the bigger issues were making good progress on. How do I process this constructively? Overwhelmed
Answer: As your next session ends: I am struggling with the idea of changing to someone new. Id like to talk about it sometime without it cutting too much into our work, because I feel like were making good progress. That way its out there and, more important, not weighing on you as some unsaid thing. If you carry this silent worry with you, it will gain the power to interfere with that work in spite of you.
Also: Youre different now from when you started with this therapist. You might be more ready for this than you believe.
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriends ex-girlfriend, Amy, is dating one of his close friends. Amy broke up with my boyfriend a little over a year ago, after dating for three years. I can tell my boyfriend is uncomfortable every time his friend and Amy are mentioned.
Whenever a friend asks my boyfriend how he feels about them, he states hes happiest hes ever been and he might care if it werent for our relationship. I think his response is mostly true, yet an overstatement. For some reason, the overstatement bothers me.
Its hard not to secretly feel jealous. Also, because we all live in the same city, we are invited to a lot of the same events. Ive never met Amy and Im hesitant to attend gatherings she is invited to.
How can I truly be there for my boyfriend and gracefully attend the same parties, dinners, etc., as Amy? Awkwardly Caught in the Middle
Answer: Just go. Have your discomfort upfront. Then go again, knowing shell be there, and again, until it stops being an exception. Awkwardness is powerful but it doesnt stand a chance against the yawn of familiarity.
