How to explain why you’re no longer adopting

"Selfishness is having a child you aren’t 100 percent committed to only for appearances."

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September 11, 2020 - 3:36 PM

Hi, Carolyn: I am half of a married gay couple. My husband and I are backing out of an adoption scheduled to go through this winter. When we got married, I was 50/50 on having a child and he was totally on Team “Let’s Just Be DINKs,” but I began to want a kid more so we did the application.

Things have since changed, and I don’t want a baby anymore. I have come around to my husband’s point and prefer to focus on each other and our careers. That’s about as selfish a reason as exists for backing out, but it is the reason, and we are not leaving a particular child in the lurch (we would never do that).

I find myself unable to admit to friends we’re backing out, so we are lying by omission to a lot of them. Is there a defensible way to explain that we have decided against having a child?

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