Hi, Carolyn: A few weeks ago, we found out I was pregnant. I was thrilled. My husband had come to the conclusion after several years of trying that we were better off without a child. Hes genuinely doing his best to adjust to this new reality, be supportive and be excited about the process. How can I best help him in adjusting to what will (hopefully) be a very different future than what he imagined? Expecting
Expecting: The best I can suggest is to give him room to still feel he doesnt want to be a father. He is a father now, so thats really hard, but when a thought or feeling becomes unspeakable, it can get so heavy. Listen, listen, listen, and let him know you wont shout him down or shame him for expressing tough thoughts as he processes all this.
Acknowledge, if you havent already, that its hard to do an emotional 180 and that you do understand. Maybe just once, clearly, then move on.
It took him years to embrace the old reality, so his needing to embrace this one in under nine months is actually a quick turnaround. Especially given that even people who want kids fully can have moments of What the what have I gotten myself into?
I also would caution against coaching or cheerleading, in case youre tempted. Just say plainly how you feel I am so excited about X instead of, Isnt X exciting? Express your own doubts and fears, too, when you have them; you dont have to be the PR rep for child rearing.
Once youve said the bit about understanding and giving him room, really give him room. Let him come to where you are on his own. His being a good sport takes away a lot of the worry you might otherwise have had about doing that.
