Dear Carolyn: Several years ago, I moved into a homeowners-association community. I love to walk and invited two ladies I met to walk with me each morning.
I am at the end of my patience with one of them, an incessant gossip about everyone in the community. And the gossip is always negative and derogatory. Generally, I just change the subject or walk ahead and don’t respond. But many times, she is flat-out wrong and spreading lies. Example: There is a young man in the community who clearly has mental issues. She has demonized him and says she “knows” he is trying to rob the other owners because he walks at night and wears a black hoodie. She says we need to be careful because he is dangerous. I have run into him at night on several occasions, and he has always been polite. He walks at night because he doesn’t want to engage with a lot of people.
When she said this about him, I sort of changed the subject and talked about my friend who has a son with mental illness. When I do this, she clearly gets mad. This morning, she cut her walk short because I wouldn’t engage.
I have said before that I really would like our walks to be a time for us to enjoy the outdoors and have a great start to the day. I have said that hearing derogatory things about other members of our community is not something I want to participate in. It stops for a day or two and then starts up again.
The interesting thing is, she is a very kind person otherwise. She helps all the elderly and makes sure they are okay. When someone is ill, she helps out in any way she can. I am at my wit’s end and don’t know how to end the gossip.
— Done With Gossip
Done With Gossip: Your “interesting” thing sounds like a common thing, actually; many people are wonderful about “us” while being casually vicious about “them.” And I’d hazard a guess she has strong ideas who “they” are.
But that’s neither here nor there when it comes to your gossip problem, because you’ve already 90 percent solved it yourself by 90 percent speaking up. When she gets going, you say nope in one of the fine ways you describe. It works; her huffy departure this morning is all the proof you need of that.
You’re right that it doesn’t work permanently, since she snaps back to her old shape in a day or two. But that’s her prerogative. She gets to say whatever rude thing she wants. You, in turn, get to say what you think about that. Blather, rinse, repeat. The only permanent solutions are to accept some friction or walk with someone of higher quality. Or more likable. Or alone. She could tire, too, of walking with someone who dislikes her.
My only suggestion is to use real muscle, please, against derogatory comments — especially known lies. “Unless you have proof, calling him dangerous and criminal is reckless and could get him killed.” Because it is and it could. You have direct knowledge, so share it: “I have encountered the young man around the neighborhood at night many times. I’m fine. He is always polite.” The responsibility to stop lies, prejudice and fearmongering is shared by all who witness them.
Dear Carolyn: When something arises in our house that is a problem but not an existential crisis — think: the WiFi router is blinking red or I hear what I think may be a mouse moving around somewhere — my husband tends to FREAK OUT. I tend to not freak out and just try to address the problem.
He always says I “don’t care.” I always say, “Can you please tell me how your freaking out and yelling at me about it has helped solve the problem?” And of course he can’t.
I end up getting mad at him for getting mad at me that I “don’t care,” and the whole thing spirals! Any advice?
— Define “Caring”
Define “Caring”: Whoo. Sounds exhausting.