A reader has relied on her best friend for years for advice. But those little nuggets wisdom are growing increasingly unwanted, and often lead to arguments.
A reader has relied on her best friend for years for advice. But those little nuggets wisdom are growing increasingly unwanted, and often lead to arguments.
Hi, Carolyn: My best friend and I met in middle school and, in different states now, have maintained a close relationship for over 30 years, texting almost daily, vacationing together and visiting up to three times a year. We have been much closer in the past six years. This is a very important and valuable relationship.
My friend has always been the more dominant energy, and recently in therapy, I have become aware this mimics the dynamic with my mother. I was raised to believe I was wrong, did not know better, someone else’s needs are more important, etc. It feels like I have allowed my friend to operate the same way with me since we were kids.
We have this dynamic where I go to her for support and she tells me how to fix it. The past few years I have started pushing back. When I say I am not looking for advice or help — that my issue is not lack of understanding how to solve the problem, but a need for emotional support or just to be heard — she attacks me for not wanting help. She then blames me for picking a fight I was not even aware we were having. I have tried calmly talking to her about this later when we are not arguing.
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