Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are both 29 and have been married for a few years. My husband’s approach to life is to enjoy life as much as possible and to work as little as possible. Our incomes are basically equal, and all money goes into one pot.
I decided to participate in a costly summer sport, so I have taken on side hustles for additional income to cover the costs. My husband has been supportive but does complain that I work too much and that he misses me.
When I went to pay my fees for the summer, I noticed that I barely had enough to cover the costs. My husband had calculated my fees and spent the rest of the money! For his own enjoyment — multiple meals out with friends, concert tickets and two massages. He sees no problem with this whatsoever, saying it is my choice to work those extra hours and all our money is joint.
I’m incensed. I worked the side hustles to pay for my expensive hobby and had planned to save the extra money for next year, so I wouldn’t have to work so hard. It seems really unfair that I worked additional hours so my hobby wouldn’t negatively impact us financially, then he just goes and spends it on fun?
We are talking past each other as he sees nothing wrong with what he did. I see everything wrong with it.
— All the Benefits, No Extra Work
All the Benefits, No Extra Work: There’s no question here, so I’ll have to figure one out.
I doubt you’re wondering which side I’m on. Of course I’m Team Everything Wrong With It; I’m a lock to agree the spirit of an agreement with a partner matters.
Shorter version, blowing your spouse’s side-hustle money for kicks is a serious jackhole move.
But you married Mr. Work as Little as Possible, who apparently figured out that when he lived by the letter of your “one pot” arrangement vs. the spirit, he got nights out and massages.
So maybe that’s your question. Thanks to this incident, you’ve gotten your first real look at the moral engine driving your husband, and you’re alarmed enough to be asking, what now?
Meanwhile, though, there are a few items in Team Nothing Wrong With It’s favor. First is that your separate plans for the extra money were living entirely in your head, not being budgeted and negotiated openly with your husband. Am I saying that gave him license to spend it, no — but it does mean he isn’t the only one out there ad-libbing your marital finance plan (such as it is). Neither of you seems to have suggested an update or even a conversation about it.
In fact, you’re looking at your whole side-hustle arrangement as a net plus for the marriage just because you’re absorbing the financial hit from your hobby — even as you say your husband’s concerns aren’t about money, they’re about missing you.
So maybe that’s the better question to ask. Are you talking past each other about this extra income, or has being out of sync become a thing?
You are entitled to pursue an independent interest, yes. But by zeroing in on finances, it appears you may have considered only the impact on your marriage that you can see caring about. When you have a husband 100 percent committed to quality of life, that is a miss.
He also presumably is a grown man who can find ways to say, “Wait, you keep talking money like it’s a favor to me, when all I care about is time with you,” instead of acting out via massage. That says you have some reckoning to do with the person you married, whichever question you decide to ask.
