(Adapted from an online discussion.)
Dear Carolyn: How do I deal with the feelings of grief over not being a grandparent? I’m surrounded by friends who are, and they love to talk about their grandchildren. I struggle to listen and stay positive. And do readers have suggestions for volunteer work or ways to fill that void?
— Not a Nana
Not a Nana: Your call-out actually answers your question: You can choose to make the effort to form other meaningful connections. If your joy lies in being around children vs. having the title, then volunteer to work with kids, many of whom need more loving adults in their lives.
At the risk of sounding like a caricature of myself, I’ll also add that even someone with grandkids/kids/dogs/cats/antique cars/gardens/etc. can glaze over at occasions with people who looove to talk about their grandkids/kids/dogs/cats/antique cars/gardens/etc. So feel free not to conflate your struggle to listen to mono-topical conversations with your sadness at not having grandkids — and maybe try to bring up some more interesting things to talk about, while you cast about in the meantime for a meaningful volunteer gig.
To: Not a Nana: I’d focus on two things: First, the way to deal with feelings of grief is just to feel them. It’s a loss, and the grief over it will come and go over time, as with all losses. Second, I wouldn’t try to “fill that void” somehow, because I’m not sure you can, and because I think it puts too much emphasis on that one part of your life. I’d just go on about my life, and fill it with activities and people I love, and accept the losses as being part of the whole.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Wise, thank you.
OTHER readers’ thoughts:
∙ In my area, schools are desperate for help, and substitutes are few and far between.
∙ There are programs connecting people who want to be grandparents to families looking for grandparent figures. It sounds as if this would be perfect for you. I don’t know a specific program to recommend, but here is an article from AARP about surrogate grandparents.
∙ There is a desperate need for foster or resource parents for both short- and long-term placements. Especially teens, who too often end up in group homes. It’s hard work, but if you have the love, energy and space, please consider this option. You can have such a positive impact on a young person’s life.
